Monday, April 25, 2011

Taking a Look in the Mirror

I realized while struggling through tasks small enough Marcel the Shell could handle that my problem is highly internal. As much as I'd love to blame HBO, it's me.

I find ways to bargain with myself throughout the day until it's late in the night, which is always where I find myself when I finally feel some kind, any kind, of inspiration. It's always 2 a.m. when my brain finally decides that exercise, right then and there, would be perfect. It's past the witching hour when my fingers start to tremble with anticipation of releasing the words that are finally making their way from my brain down my arm.

I've gotta start talking myself into things instead of always talking myself out of them. It's easy to force myself to eat more Easter chocolate, but hard to force myself to get off of the couch and help around the house. It's extremely simple to let myself watch hours of Amy Poehler's face, but equally as hard to clean myself up and go search for jobs that aren't on my computer screen.

Despite the fact that, yes, I do need more sleep to function properly, I am not functioning at all in the hours I am awake. Sometimes I get things done, like the late thank-you cards I scribbled tonight, but overall, my production is low enough that if I were a company, I would be fast on my way to bankruptcy.

I've always known this about myself. Hell, it's why I started this blog. But I thought, for just a second, that the blog itself would be enough. The momentum of it held out for a long time, and it has caused me to look within, but at the end of the day, I need to take more action beyond writing down a couple of commands for myself for the day.

I need to do what I say I'm gonna do, like this blog's original mission statement reads, but I also need to find an internal voice that fires the coals of those written words, that puts a fire under my feet to move, to do...

So today, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna let an internal voice guide me. If I haven't heard anything an hour after my waking, I'll go in there and force it to come out and chat.

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