It's not that I'm not trying to change. Thanks to the magic of Google Calendars, I now get reminders on my phone every couple of hours for what I should be doing. I have endless scribbles in hundreds of places, titled "To-Do," To-Buy," and "Jobs/Schools/Business Plans." I have a vague plan in my mind of the things I want to do and where I want to be. If you were from the outside looking in, perhaps you'd think I was a gal who had her shit together, but you'd be wrong.
While I knew it would take me at least two weeks to get on board with rigidly scheduling myself, I am astounded at my newly self-observed laziness. I find myself shirking the reminders for "Creative Writing Exercise" and "Work on Blog" for things like TV and Tumblr. I'm not hatin' on my T obsessions, but I am hatin' on the reason I turn to those outlets before I turn to life enrichment.
As I lay awake last night, wondering a million what-if's, then reminding myself those what-if's were so outlandish I should just shut the hell up and go to sleep, I realized I am lazy because I am too afraid to hear myself think. When I hear myself think, I get anxious, excited, motivated, sad, scared, and happy. When I hear myself think, I am at a 10 on the energy scale, no matter what time it is and what I should be doing instead.
I imposed this gross laziness on myself to avoid having to listen to my deepest thoughts. I have to fall asleep with the TV on or else I'll stay awake for three hours, thinking about grad school programs. I have to distract myself on the Internet from the book my mom let me borrow, otherwise I'd spend every waking minute reading it. I have to do dumb, stupid, shallow little things to keep myself from merely imagining.
This sick little diversion, though good while it lasted, can't go on any longer. How can I have good, creative, wild thoughts if I'm blocking out all thoughts? It's going to be quite intense going through the scary, irrational ones, but I'll stand up to those assholes like David did to that brute of a giant. Or ya know, like App did to Michigan. (Represent!)
I'll return soon to drive everyone crazy, but first, I have to go off the deep end myself.