Thursday, February 7, 2013

An Open Letter to J.J. Abrams


Dude. Dude. Seriously, dude. DUDE! You're directing the next movie in the Star Wars saga!!!! YOU, one of about only three auteurs I can imagine doing justice to this saga, are the chosen one. You will bring balance to the film force.... or something equally punny like that.

I'm gonna be honest: The (rather large) section of my brain dedicated to this epic story has been all kinds of imbalanced since the most shocking transfer of hands occurred. But when I heard word that the directing baton had been passed to you, I finally stopped holding my breath and even did a little bit of a leap-scream kind of thing.

circa 2010, bangs no longer included
See, not only do I love you thanks to an endless list of things, including but not limited to Lost and your most epic revival of Star Trek, but I adore the O.G. Star Wars trilogy. This marriage is a perfect one, at least for this J.J./SW fangirl.

That being said, hear me out: hire me. I mean, really... hire the shit out of me. I've been trying to write you this ridiculous open letter for almost two weeks, scrambling to come up with the most dazzling of traits I behold, but I am too flustered to even begin to illustrate my encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture or my penchant for hamming it up.

Look, bro. You seem like a man who can take a lady at her word. In the essence of saving us time, and sparing you having to listen to some cookie-cutter song and dance about my "acting experience" and my "writing abilities," let's just work on making Episode VII the masterpiece we both know it can be. I'm contract ready.

Don't worry about having something for me to do. I'm up for whatever task, even flying the (hopefully not defunct at this point in the storyline) Millenium Falcon for twelve parsecs. I'm also willing to take a google or a gaggle of acting classes, whichever you deem most suitable for me. I'll hold a boom or 50. Hell, I'll even bring every last cast and crew member coffee or blue milk. JUST DON'T LEAVE A JEDI KNIGHT BEHIND, BROTHER! Together, we can bring balance to the force.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll let you take a little peek at my Star Wars themed screenplay in process. But hey, we'll get to that.

With all my love and Jedi mind tricks,


  1. I fervently pray that Jar Jar Binks is not brought back for his own spinoff. No one can deal with more of that horseshit. I can't, and I didn't even watch Episodes I-II. I have Jar Jar Binks hate BY PROXY. Yeah. That's how bad it is.

    Supposedly Disney is going to make Star Wars movies until they come out our asses. Yoda's getting his own movie. Thus far these are the ripples in the Gossip Force.

    1. A Yoda movie? A disturbance in the force, there is...