Tired of Tired

I'm tired.

I'm tired of not appreciating enough the only job that will have me. I'm tired of not having money. I'm tired of working too hard to make the career I DO want for myself. I'm tired of being told "sometimes you have to do things in life you don't want to do," just to turn around and alternatively be told "life's too short, so do what you love." I'm tired of asking for help and not getting any. I'm tired of being told to ask for help after I've already asked. I'm tired of busting my ass to make an occupation I love and getting door after door slammed in my face. I'm tired of people telling me "you must not be working hard enough, then."

I'm tired.

I'm tired of feeling anxious and worried all the time. I'm tired of explaining those things stem from illness. I'm tired of explaining that yes, mental illness is real. I'm tired of feeling sick all the time. I'm tired of doctors telling me I'm okay when I feel so distinctly un-okay. I'm tired of feeling fatigue on 3 or 8 or 10 hours of sleep. I'm tired of internally hating my sicknesses when I love my self and my body so much. I'm tired of being told to walk it off, work through it, get over it. I'm tired of searching for a solution and finding the same old lines fed to me by professionals who haven't ever had their mind and body fighting against them. I'm tired of not getting to enjoy life because I'm bound by invisible chains of pain.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being the last one. I'm tired of being a best friend, but not THE best friend. I'm tired of being alone and lonely, one or the other or both. I'm tired of waiting in the wings. I'm tired of putting myself out there too often, too far. I'm tired of having to go back into hiding. I'm tired of always caring, but never being cared for. I'm tired of missing people, even when some of those people are still right in front of me. I'm tired of calling, texting, emailing, chatting. I'm tired of letting all of it slide, letting everyone think it's okay to put me last. I'm tired of being unsupported.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of knowing where I should be, yet not having the means to get there. I'm tired of knowing who and what makes me happy, yet unimportant realities get priority, get in the way when they shouldn't. I'm tired of apologizing. I'm tired of trying to fit my round personality into a boring square hole. I'm tired of screaming. I'm tired of not fulfilling my potential in life for reasons I don't understand, but reasons that nonetheless weigh so heavily on my shoulders every day.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of knowing I'm good enough and falling on my face every. single. time. I'm tired of being told to grow up, to stop caring, to get over it, to let go of my dreams. I'm tired of a lack of faith, of hope, of connection, of love. I'm tired of pleasing others who say they know what's best for me. I'm tired of being told I'm not capable of knowing what is best for myself. I'm tired of standing up for myself. I'm tired of being anyone other than myself.

I'm tired of being tired.