Not to Sound...

Have you ever had those moments where you want to say something, do something, but you don't because of how you'll sound? How you'll look? I know most of us like to imagine we don't really care what people think, but I'm posed to guess that even those people who DO have lower give-a-shit levels still have the I-wanna-be-accepted gene floating around somewhere inside. I'm one of those people, so I feel safe in assuming I'm not the only one

For the most part, I say what I feel and do what I want because I don't care what strangers think about me. And as for those who DO know me, they accept me for who I am, so I don't have to care. Right? RIGHT?!

Kinda.

I know that my little love circle of friends/family/BF/etc. will accept me, weirdness and all, every day for the rest of my life. I don't care about them accepting me as is because, well... they do. But I do care if they think I'm suddenly becoming a horrible monster, or an annoying bitch, or a shell of a person. I expect them to call me on it because I would want them to. And though I have no aspirations to become any of those things, sometimes I wonder if things I say might sway them to believe I'm on that scary road.

But in keeping with my fear overcoming and my 2013 resolving, I just need to continue making the internal external... without crossing the T.Swift line, of course.

Not to sound naive...
but I really just want everyone to get along and be nice to each other. Be grateful. Say thank you. Don't guilt those of us who believe in this kind of thing. Just smile, man.

Not to sound vain...
but I'd like to model from time to time. I want great photos to look back on when I'm a relic of a good life. I want to work with my fabulous photographer friends. I want to improve my own photography skills by knowing what works, and then flip the camera around on all my beautiful pals.

Not to sound demanding...
but I want to start promoting my creative endeavors more often, and I want my circle to support me in that. I don't want people to be annoyed in doing so, either.

Not to sound ridiculous...
but I wish people danced more. DANCE WITH ME, Y'ALL!

Not to sound crazy...
but I'd really like to make a dime or two by writing, humoring, acting, and singing. And I really don't want to do it alone. Join me friends; I've got ideas! (Seriously, email me: imgonnadothatgirl@gmail.com)

Not to sound pushy...
but do the same. Tell me what you want to say, what you want to do, and then let's go do it.

Not to sound cheesy... oh, hell, I've never cared about sounding cheesy.
We can make our lives these crazy, amazing adventures, but only if we help each other accomplish our goals.

Now let's Leslie Knope this shit and get on with our awesome existences!

Fear is a Dangerous Thing

Coming from someone who has a lot of experience with the F word, fear is truly the most dangerous entity in the world. I don't really know if it can be classified as an emotion, maybe a feeling, but whatever it is, is perilous to life.

Most of my fears are physical: heights, flying, serial killers hiding in my house, bad health, elevators falling, house fires... you know, the lot of neuroses most people would claim as being one of their irrational phobias because we're all scared of the same shit, deep down inside. These stem from places inside us, but we can touch the airplanes, the buildings, and the matches that could burn our house and memories to ash.

But the most detrimental fears are those that live solely in our heads, the things that fuel our physical fears but aren't necessarily tangible to our fingertips: fear of failure, of loss, of being alone, of success, of love, of dying. The list goes on. I have most of these fears and they're extremely deep-seated. (Being alone and love aren't in my mental list. I've racked up a lot of solo time lately and I've been surviving. Oh, and love ain't scary, 'cause I got it and it's so, so delicious.)

The difference between my dreading these things and everyone else dreading them is that I let the fear take over. I let it impede the things I do. I let it dictate my life. I can't travel to the dazzling places I dream of because I can't hop on a plane. I can't throw myself into my many ideas for the future because I'm terrified I'll fail. I can't not get winded climbing up the stairs of a 20-foot building because I just didn't trust the shady, smelly elevator.

Fear is my Ike Turner, but enough is enough. I'm prepared to run penniless from our hotel and get the hell outta this shitty, abusive relationship I have with fear.

As you long-time readers have noticed, this blog has evolved to more of a personal one over the months. It is peppered with gonnas here and there, the kind of stuff that was the life-blood of this blog in its beginning days, but it is so much more now. It became what it should have - the continuation of The Gonna Girl's life after she no longer had to get y'all, or herself, to publicly force her to do the things she said she would.

So here it is, evolving again. While I no longer need to note and then complete gonnas for groceries, cleaning, and job-hunting, I do need to complete gonnas pertaining to all of these fears blocking me from living a full life. I no longer need to record my every move every month because I am doing those things off camera, off blog. I do need to document me jumping over massive hurdles and conquering the things that scare me the most.

I'll continue posting random stuff about my life, ranting in HB entries, and attempting to make everyone laugh with my writing, but the gonnas as you've known them will be gone. They will be more meaningful, more difficult to overcome. The gonnas might show up less often because they are so massive to overcome in my brain, but perhaps they will be easier to tackle than I could have ever possibly imagined.

Wish me luck!

P.S. If you haven't read my past entry, it's important to do so! It will benefit the needy in this holiday season. Feel free to pass it along :) Love you all.