Monday, April 4, 2011

Silently Waiting, Worrying, Wondering

As is standard with anything to do with the written word, there is an ebb and flow to it all. It's strong then weak, ruthless then soft, riveting then slow.

I know this blog started out with a bang of sardonic comedy and might have made you laugh. It might have given you hope or inspired you, because it seemed like I was really doing big things, or at least overhyping small shit I was proud to have done that day.

But then I fell. Not literally (but almost) because of health issues. I didn't let it stop this blog, but I will be the first to admit that there is a certain essence of myself that seems to be lacking from its content lately. I try to remedy it, but constant exhaustion combined with sometimes debilitating physical problems don't exactly make the mind clear. It's not a conducive environment for wit, and I know that the cracks of my real life have started to show in my written one. Consider these past few weeks the ebb to my prior flow. That means the flow should be returning any minute with coffee, ready get back to work.

I spent yesterday figuring out what my next move was going to be and generally lounging with people who are some of the few on the planet willing to listen to my constant obsession with, well, everything. I talked to my future roommate and my current roommate. I pondered what life will be like a week, month, and year from now. I loosely planned a trip to the big city I soon hope to call my home. I read David Sedaris for the laughs, and found myself reading a story about his elfin job at Macy's his first weeks in New York City. (It was oddly comforting.) All of these things, I would label as gonnas accomplished.

But what I accomplished most yesterday was a nagging feeling at the back of my mind concerning the results of my CT scan. I've convinced myself that it will be completely fine, while at the same time having apocalyptic visions as to what is going on inside of my body. Worse than being legitimately sick would be the fact that all of the gonnas I have planned for myself, big and small, would suddenly have to take a back seat. In an essence, I would have to give up, even if only for a moment. Sure, my gonnas could easily change with me, but my heart would still be with the gonnas I'd committed myself to before I was sick.

So here it is. Today I'm gonna find out if I'm fine or if I'm sick or anywhere on the spectrum between. If I am healthy, I'm gonna celebrate with a dance. I'm going to dedicate myself to making all of my gonnas come true.

If I'm sick, I'm gonna cry, dust my shoulders off, and find gonnas that will make me better.

Regardless, I'm gonna need my readers to stay beside me and keep reading, because really, where would I be - healthy or sick - without anyone by my side?


  1. Standing by you . . .

  2. loving reading (: