Trials & Troubles

I'm going to let this photo speak for itself as much as I can. Obviously, I am miserable. Oh, explain you say? Gotcha.

I woke up yesterday feeling 1000% better than I had the previous two days. I'd gotten a full night's sleep and my pain seemed to be gone. I went downtown to see my roommate, pay bills (gonna #1), and then headed to Strawberry Hill for a quick walk (gonna #2).

I slipped on my tennis shoes and got through the walk pretty swiftly, taking my usual break at the overlook to rest and enjoy the scenery. I took off down the last stretch, which is a decline. I wasn't exerting too much energy past the forces gravity had upon me when I was slapped backward in the chest.

Not by a branch or even a hobo living in the woods. No, by my own heart, reminding me that I have some kind of arrhythmia that eludes medical science. It didn't want me to move on, even though it had been two years. Selfish of it, eh?

I called my dad who talked me down, then my mom who let me cry. I don't know who said exercising on an empty stomach was a good idea, but I want my money back. And my day. And my night, the one I'm losing as I sit here, chest sore, scared to close my eyes.

Even after an assuring phone call from Marigold (because stepmother just sounds so wrong), I feel uneasy inside. I feel exhausted. But most of all, I feel upset that my day of gonnas was derailed.

I know that it was best of me not to force myself to do anything else, but part of me can't help but feel guilty. I feel like I'm breaking a promise to everyone who reads this. And more importantly, I feel like I'm breaking a promise to myself.

I know I have to get better, but I don't want to give up on the chance of normalcy. And I absolutely, positively, damn-sure don't want to give up on this project. It has to be seen through, even if I have to take baby steps. I just hope that I'm a little less Bob about it.

Today, I'm gonna: pack up and drive home, do a few resumés, and hang out with family and friends who can respect that I need a slow speed for a little while.

(P.S. I was serious about those letters/emails/texts of encouragement. While remarks upon my radiance alone are fine, you may also comment on my never-ending wit and my impressive pop-culture knowledge. If I like it enough, I might buy you a pizza.*)

*Author'sdiscretion,nodealsguarenteed.

So Tonight, I'm Gonna SLEEP

I'm a bitch when I don't sleep.

This is a cold, hard fact. I make no attempt to hide or repair it. I simply cannot properly function in social settings when I don't have enough shut-eye under my belt.

You can bet when I woke up feeling like I'd been tied to I-40 and run over by 5 p.m. traffic that I didn't think my gonnas were gonna happen.

But then I surprised myself and realized halfway through the routine that I was preparing to face the world, adequate social skills by my side or not. I threw my tennis shoes into my purse and set to conquer Strawberry Hill. "I'm gonna" number one? Done.

I eventually had to brave an emergence into the public in order to get materials for my DIY bracelet. I might have prayed to myself a little for the sake of everyone I came into contact with in Michael's. These giggling little girls in the scrapbooking aisle almost caught the wrath of my unsleep, but I managed to wrap it up before it got out of control.

That is, until I started my bracelet. Measuring the thread was fine. Prepping the materials was cool. Knotting the first few links was alright. But then the thread started to stray, the knots started to differ, and GODdameifneferyemotherfucer uaiefkeu@*!*~&$&#, I unleashed my sleepless ire on those inanimate objects (and maybe an ex-friend, too, but let us not digress). Still, at the end of my bout with the project that made me forget how to do anything right, my second "I'm gonna" was done.

After that, a stiff drink was in order, but since I'm on a hiatus from the alcy, I just went and watched my friend Tommy drink with all of his friends. And for those keeping tally at home, that hangout makes my third "I'm gonna" complete.

I sadly didn't get my extra gonna of resumé-ic nature in, but you know what? That's why I made it an option. Maybe I'm good at this planning thing when I really try. Yeah, Day Runner, I'm looking at you. You've got some competition on your hands.

Today I'm gonna: take a day off and see what happens. I have faith that I won't fall off the wagon, but I might need some of you to dust me off come Sunday.