Hi... Meet Me!

You think you know me after reading this blog for years, and you're probably right. There's a lot more about myself you might see in my words than I can in the mirror... but lately I've been having to learn that as often as people tell you not to defend who you are, it will take them less than a second to turn around and make you do just that.

Luckily, I've been on a new path of self-discovery. Over three years ago, I figured out who I was. Now, I'm figuring out not only how to deepen that person, but how to live as that person in a world that doesn't really want individuality, no matter how many times it says it does.

I've talked about being unapologetically you, but I forgot that constantly saying sorry isn't the only way you do yourself a disservice. Always being angry and offended because you have to defend who you are every day is another way to quickly squash your self-esteem and progress.

Since I'm trying with all my tiny might to stop letting people give me shit for being who I am, let me remind you of exactly what people are telling me to hide from the world.

I am observant. This is often confused with being "ultra sensitive," but I suppose that's the price I have to pay for always noticing the small things. I can sense people's moods, hear changes in their voices, know what they really mean and try to play off as a joke, and see the glances they exchange. For a long time, I thought I was being an asshole and just projecting my wild imagination on people. However, I recently realized that people simply don't like to get caught. They like to be able to get away with shifty behavior. Most people live their lives by being secret assholes; some are even 007-level bastards... so when I call them out on their behavior, they turn the tables on me for diversion. It's okay. I get it now!

I have high expectations. There's some bullshit, pink, curly-cued meme floating around the Internet about "not being high maintenance, just having high expectations..." but the two are not interchangeable in any way, so it's when the latter occurs that I have to defend my expectations. But hey, these things should honestly be common practice – I'm just not afraid to continually say so: I expect people to treat other people kindly; I expect people not be racist/sexist/etc. assholes because it's the incorrect reaction to other humans; I expect people to understand one another as being mere mortals with many flaws; I expect other people to put in as much as I do, and to ease up when one of us can't. I expect a lot, but I also believe in the ability of everyone to meet those expectations.

I am vulnerable. I have always chosen my vulnerability, though I've often had to defend that choice. I believe in being open, in saying sorry, in crying, in letting people in. I choose all of that because it makes me stronger than everyone else. I have walls upon walls of steel-like strength from all those times people took advantage of my vulnerability, but if I'm crying, I often have to defend those tears like they are some sign of weakness. I wish people knew the courage it takes to be an open nerve, but it's yet another thing unworthy of defense funds.

I am different. I have invisible disabilities. I care so, so much about everything and everyone because I have a heart full of compassion. I am able to do a lot of stuff other people cannot, but also limited in many other "everyday" ways. I love things most people deem unimportant. I need time, love, and a home, but not a house. I need loyalty in a way that can drive most people away... and even if it's all weird or out of place to others, it's what lies within me. All of the big and little things that piece together my odd little puzzle should never be put up for negotiation, so I'm tired of finding myself in the midst of a battle for whether there is a "rightness" in being me.

There it is, dudes and dudettes. I know the project of "myself" will always be an evolving, living, breathing thing, but even on the days when my features become inconvenient, I couldn't and wouldn't have it any other way. And just like I said I would stop saying sorry so much, I'm going to stop defending just being Rachel as well. I will change as we all do with time, but it will never be at the suggestion from an outsider that who I am inside just isn't good enough.

Hoping everyone finds the courage to let go of the anger and give into the joy of just being yourself. I know it'll take some time for me, but I also know I can do it.

P.S. If you've been missing me, I blog (anonymously) on the regular about my new job. Email imgonnadothatgirl@gmail.com if you want the link!

Forgiveness is More Than Saying Sorry

Aside from being an obviously sublime piece of music, forgiveness really is more than saying sorry. You have to show it. You have to mean it. You have to want it. But lately, I've realized the most important thing about forgiveness is that you have to be able to forgive yourself for NOT forgiving everyone and everything.

I know, I know. We're taught to rise above. We're encouraged to follow all those pretty little quotes floating around the Internet, reminding us that holding onto anger or whatever the hell it is we're hugging close, hurts the collective us more than the collective them. And mostly, that is true. It wouldn't be a cliche if it weren't. But there are some people, some things, you just don't have to forgive. It's not law. And you know what? It's also not wrong. It doesn't mean you're holding on to hate or violently cursing the accused's name every night. It just means you have decided to let go without giving said offender the gift of absolution. You're not required to, and you never were.

I've been thinking about the people who have wronged me over the years. Some of them definitely deserve my pardon, while others deserve to suffer some kind of moral penance. On the flip side, I know there are people who will probably never grant me clemency for some of my crimes on them, while others deserve and would most likely accept an apology.

So no, I don't forgive you for alienating me before moving out on me and leaving me thousands in debt. I don't forgive your behavior, and I don't think you should be allowed to forget how many people you hurt in the wake of your departure. You are not forgiven.

And yes, I am sorry for what he did to both of us and how it made me treat you. If I had known, I wouldn't have been a participant. I hope you get out one day. One day...

So no, I do not accept your half-ass warning/apology about bringing me into your psychotic public breakdown, invading my rights to privacy. I don't think you deserve to be forgiven by anyone for what you did. You are not a good person; I do not give you a reprieve.

And yes, I am sorry for whatever drove us apart. Some of it was me, and some of it was you, as it always is in those kind of fizzle-out-friendships. I hope you're as happy as I am now, and maybe we can sit together over junk food and talk about it all again one day. One day...

So no, I do not forgive any of you for making me believe I deserved less than I did. I do not forgive any of you for taking advantage of every part of me. I do not forgive you for trying to hold me down, hold me back, hold me away from the light. I will never release you from your deeds.

And yes, I do forgive myself for all the times I thought I had to forgive these people, all the people, for the things they'd done to me. I forgive myself for holding on too long and for letting go too fast. I forgive myself for not standing up when I should have and not sitting down when I could have. I forgive myself for not knowing how to forgive, when to forgive, if I should forgive. Of greatest importance, I forgive myself for not always trusting myself, for not believing I knew what was best for me, even when the world told me to hold on or let go.

I forgive myself most of all because without the forgiveness (or lack thereof) I gave, I would not be who I am or where I am today. And today, well... I don't have a reason to apologize or forgive. Today, I've learned to live unapologetically and unforgivingly as... me.

26 Gonnas for 26!

Happy July, everyone! This is one of my favorite, yet busiest months. Birthdays, parties, holidays, vacations, and anniversaries like Oprah is handing them out -- one for you, and one for you, and one for YOU! I'm going to be on the run most of this month, but I won't leave you hanging without entries. However, they'll be on a sort of off-kilter timeline. Can ya dig?

With my birthday looming in a mere 11 (almost 10!) days, I decided to kick off the month with a birthday-related gonna challenge... for myself. I mean, overall, 25 was great. It had marvelous moments, but also dark ones. I went through a bit of a quarter-life crisis, and though I'm sure it's not completely done with me, the crisis is definitely on the waning end of a decline. But you know what? I'm ready for better than great; I'm ready for amazing.

After reading this article, it didn't take me long to figure out what I wanted to get myself for my name day: my break; my second chance. Sure, I overcame a few of the bigger gonnas I'd set up for myself in year two-five, but ever the perfectionist, I want to do better. Ever the believer of my own late bloomed-ness, I am hoping 26 is going to be my door-opening year. Every year after that will build on the success I hope know 26 will be. Happy sort-of-late-twentyhood to me!

1. Wake up with the sun at least 180 days over the next year.
2. Fly to visit my sister in Japan.*
3. Finish my screenplay.
4. Don't let items I have gathered to create a project sit on my shelf for more than 2 weeks... ever.
5. Diagnose and solve my voice problems, then sing publicly when I have the all clear.
6. Get my teaching license.
7. Write one blog every week!
8. Learn to drive a manual car.
9. Make 50 YouTube videos.
10. Get over my fear of heights by climbing a lighthouse, ziplining, both, or more!
11. Teach someone something life-changing. **
12. Make a Southern road trip to Texas and back.*
13. Finish writing a book with C.
14. Learn how to sew.
15. Go legit camping for a weekend with J and the pups.
16. Spend more time with my family. **
17. Do some photoshoots (at least one!) with a professional photographer.
18. Get something published.
19. Raise $500 for my business, Southern Sheek.
20. Do a Goodwill-level cleanout every 3 months until I only have what I (for the most part) need.
21. Let go of toxic people in my life.
22. Make a weekend trip to a new place, any place.
23. Write and send fanmail to all those people who have inspired me along the way.
24. Meet a sloth!
25. Really make 10 people's day - five of whom I know and five strangers.
26. Be thankful and say so at the end of every day.

* Money allowing.
** Specifics to come when I figure it out!

I'm gonna do this! What are y'all gonna do this year?

END OF SEMESTER GLORY!

I'm as brain dead as a bird who flew into a window, but I'm so excited to have an entire summer ahead of me with time to write and write, then read and read. That day ain't today, because I'm going to watch some shitty T.V. while passing out... babysteps, you know? In the mean time, enjoy some photos of times recent and get ready for some scribblings in the very near future!

Like MacLaren's

Lady-friend-for-life W and I were marathoning How I Met Your Mother after a particularly taxing couple of weeks. There's solid comfort in the laughs the gang doles out episode after episode, but we realized there's something else that truly makes us feel comforted in the arms of HIMYM.

All of us want a MacLaren's. We want a place where "everybody knows our names," but we know we can't really claim Sam and Diane. Instead, we have Ted and Robin and Barney. We have their dynamic to strive for, their bar to covet. We want the friends who come with MacLaren's, the ones who become family. Most of all, what we really want and what MacLaren's really represents is stability, that something to count on.

MacLaren's gives us those stable things we want. We want a place to call home. We want people who can give us consistent love and constant laughs, who will be there for us through the bigger things in life that are more frequent now than they were 5 years ago: marriage, death, break-ups, promotions, lay-offs, babies, infertility, and the changes changes changes so fast that we've learned to take them as we go, even when we're not ready for them.

In fact, the fact we want stability is one of those changes we have to take in stride. We have to realize we're not losing anything by being stable, and we're not losing ourselves by hoping for it. Even the freest birds like having a place to land.

The best part about the idea of a MacLaren's is that it gives us a place to remember to let loose, even though we're settling down. The two might seem impossible roommates, but if we can come to terms with the fact that fun when we're 25 is different than when we were 21, the two can live together harmoniously. And you know what? It's okay that fun is different... better even! It has to be; otherwise, we'd be horny, inconsiderate, blacked-out assholes for the rest of our lives. And that's okay for a while, but when we reach a certain age, trying to hold on to the ideals of the past, grasping to this lifestyle of younger (wo)men, we miss all the new kinds of fun of mid-20-something-ness.

Most of all, if we don't let go of then, we miss out on the stability of now. We miss out on the people around us who are starting to crave routine. We miss out getting to meet our people every night after work for beer and life chatter. We miss out on Ted, and Marshall, and Legen... wait for it... dary! Barney Stintson. We miss out on MacLaren's. And look at them:

Don't you just know you'd regret it forever if you missed out on MacLaren's?

Not to Sound...

Have you ever had those moments where you want to say something, do something, but you don't because of how you'll sound? How you'll look? I know most of us like to imagine we don't really care what people think, but I'm posed to guess that even those people who DO have lower give-a-shit levels still have the I-wanna-be-accepted gene floating around somewhere inside. I'm one of those people, so I feel safe in assuming I'm not the only one

For the most part, I say what I feel and do what I want because I don't care what strangers think about me. And as for those who DO know me, they accept me for who I am, so I don't have to care. Right? RIGHT?!

Kinda.

I know that my little love circle of friends/family/BF/etc. will accept me, weirdness and all, every day for the rest of my life. I don't care about them accepting me as is because, well... they do. But I do care if they think I'm suddenly becoming a horrible monster, or an annoying bitch, or a shell of a person. I expect them to call me on it because I would want them to. And though I have no aspirations to become any of those things, sometimes I wonder if things I say might sway them to believe I'm on that scary road.

But in keeping with my fear overcoming and my 2013 resolving, I just need to continue making the internal external... without crossing the T.Swift line, of course.

Not to sound naive...
but I really just want everyone to get along and be nice to each other. Be grateful. Say thank you. Don't guilt those of us who believe in this kind of thing. Just smile, man.

Not to sound vain...
but I'd like to model from time to time. I want great photos to look back on when I'm a relic of a good life. I want to work with my fabulous photographer friends. I want to improve my own photography skills by knowing what works, and then flip the camera around on all my beautiful pals.

Not to sound demanding...
but I want to start promoting my creative endeavors more often, and I want my circle to support me in that. I don't want people to be annoyed in doing so, either.

Not to sound ridiculous...
but I wish people danced more. DANCE WITH ME, Y'ALL!

Not to sound crazy...
but I'd really like to make a dime or two by writing, humoring, acting, and singing. And I really don't want to do it alone. Join me friends; I've got ideas! (Seriously, email me: imgonnadothatgirl@gmail.com)

Not to sound pushy...
but do the same. Tell me what you want to say, what you want to do, and then let's go do it.

Not to sound cheesy... oh, hell, I've never cared about sounding cheesy.
We can make our lives these crazy, amazing adventures, but only if we help each other accomplish our goals.

Now let's Leslie Knope this shit and get on with our awesome existences!

Me & Drew

I've been feeling a little dried up lately writing-wise. It's not that I don't have ideas, it's just that I can't really get them out. Sometimes putting an actual pen to paper helps get things flowing, but most of the time, there's just some kind of congestion in the thought-to-words process.

But during this gloomy Monday and a temporary Internet outage, I decided to crack open the newest copy of Good Housekeeping. This mag just started showing up one day, and I'm not one to turn away anything that involves good interior design and organization. Besides, I have my suspicions that my delightful Grandma sent the surprise subscription my way...

Backstory aside, I finally got to the cover article about Drew Barrymore. I've always been a fan, (though I know she can be another one of those polarizing celebs) so I was curious to see what the gal had been up to since her marriage and baby havin'. And on a gloomy Monday with my nose in the pages of GH, I had an unexpected moment of inspiration alongside Ms. Barrymore.

Her achievements and drive are both motivational and admirable, but even more were Drew's fierce love and happiness she has toward her lot in life that really struck a chord with me. (Read the full article here if you so please.) I've felt this deep level of gratitude with the universe lately, despite not being able to find any other words for the intensity of gratefulness I have other than "thank you." When I read about someone else feeling that kind of fullness and not getting overwhelmed in the process, it made it a little easier to find the right thing to say. It felt easier to let go of the things I have to wait for, and to make moves on the things I have power over right now. It even made it easier to forgive myself for taking yet another day recovery day for this cold and shoving four scoops of ice cream in my face while doing so.

I may have to shake the sleep from all of my creative and motivative bones, but the feeling of simpatico I have from this little article will make the comeback more manageable and serve as a constant source of inspiration to return to in the difficult hours.

And all the while, I'm going to stay so, so thankful for all of the love (and every big AND tiny thing in between) I have in my life. Just like Drew, I'm intending to fight like a lion to stay happy for the rest of my days.

Taylor Swift Syndrome

Taylor Swift is ruining our lives.

Aside from dominating the iTunes Top 100 and therefore ruining my browsing pleasure, she is seriously and negatively affecting society. How you say? I'M GLAD YOU ASKED!

This girl, for some reason, has a great deal of power. She's like a baby Hitler for tween and teen girls, and no matter how much I protest, even some of my own gal pals. She pulls them in with her poppy (not country-y) songs and relatable lyrics, because let's face it, who hasn't been 15 and heartbroken? And if you grew up in the South, it's unlikely you don't have "Tim McGraw" in your music library, even if you're a 20-something who wants to teach the world about the dangers of Miss. Swift and her teardrop-covered guitar.

But these tunes are all propaganda for this darker, deeper thing that scares the shit out of me. T. Swift has been dubbed this cute little girl next door, but if Janis Ian taught me anything, it's that Taylor Swift is a mean girl. She is a mean girl in nice girls clothing, and she's doing a really good job of tricking a lot of people into believing that clothing is the real deal. That trickery is dangerous. That trickery makes girls everywhere believe it's okay to act the way Taylor acts. And the way Taylor acts is manipulative, disrespectful, and far from nice.

Of course I haven't sat down and discussed philosophy and ASOS with the girl, but I don't need to. I don't need to because she airs her dirty laundry via song, even if that means airing other people's dirty laundry, too. And trust me, you can tell a lot about a person by what they're willing to discuss publicly.

Taylor is of this breed of person who doesn't mind sharing her whole life with the world. That's fine to an extent, because she can choose to share whatever she wants with whomever. But when other people come into play, when other people's private lives get thrusted into the public eye just because they intersect with ol' Swiftys, a line gets crossed. When Taylor does things like discuss another woman's sexuality or directly name men in her songs, she is taking away the right of those people to choose what they want or don't want to share with the public. And that's bullying. That's disrespectful. That's mean.

That deeper, darker thing I mentioned earlier? The scary-as-hell thing that Taylor has done? She has created this environment where she is essentially giving the OK to put anyone who slights you on blast, simply for your own selfish wants, but turn around and say "Oh, but I'm hurt, I couldn't possibly share any of the blame, and it's totally fine because I'm the victim!"

Wrong. So wrong.

People are going to hurt you, my little ladies. You're going to get shit upon and jerked around, and probably even worse. But unless there is a true evil to expose – a molester, a rapist, a beater – you're not helping anyone, most of all yourself, by putting people on blast. You're just prolonging your own torment, creating it for others, and disrespecting the boundaries of other human beings.

Your private life is an amazing, beautiful thing. It's something you get to keep close to you and you alone. Once you give it to someone else, you taint it. You can choose to share things with the person you love or even thousands of people if that's your bag, but the choice should always be yours, and you should never feel like someone has taken away your right to privacy. You should never, ever feel like you're allowed to take it away from someone else. And you should never, ever, ever let Taylor Swift Syndrome let you think it's okay to be an asshole just to make yourself feel better at the expense of one or ten or hundreds of other people.

There might be a fleeting sense of satisfaction Taylor's way, but there is such a prolonged, beautiful, peaceful bliss in caring about other people's feelings, letting things go, and keeping your dirty laundry in the nice, warm wicker basket in your bedroom at home.

Don't let Little Miss. Swift pull that polka-dotted, J.Crew sweater over your eyes. Being a disrespectful dick isn't cool, no matter how rockin' your bangs are. In the words of some much better songwriters, let it be.

Success

Thinking about success is what really sparred this entire project. While driving through our quaint little neighborhood, I pointed out my favorite house to my roommate. I talked about how though it wasn't much, and though I'd prefer a huge plot of land around it, it was enough. It was perfect to me. It was all I needed.

In a culture where big houses often equal success, what am I to make of my dream of a modest, yet absolutely adorable home? I never really thought about the fact that there is a societal definition of success my definition absolutely doesn't coincide with.

That's because to America, success is money, work 'til you die, bigger-is-better for things, smaller-is-beautiful for bodies, and fame is the ultimate goal. Hey, I'll stop being polite and start getting real: all of these things have appealed to me. I'm a human, and I live in the U.S. of A. But as I've grown and changed and become the person I've learned to find is myself, I have also discovered that American success ain't really my bag.

Success to me is:

Being with the people I care about. I used to think there was something wrong with me because I chose real life over my career, and like WHO DOES THAT?!?! But a successful life in my book means building my home life first, career life second, and no amount of bullshit culture pressure can make me doubtful.

A modest home on a big plot of land with animals, gardens, and the person I love. Forget cars, mansions, yachts, and private jets.

Working a job I love. My ideal job means being able to write and use all my other passions in creativity, having independence, using my hands, being surrounded by compassion, and making a difference for someone else. That means salary is secondary, and I only need just enough.

Overcoming fears that block me from doing the billions of things I long to do.

+++++

Really, that's all success is to me. Anything you could possibly ask me about success ("What about starting a family? Your TV pilot? SKYDIVING WITHOUT DYING?!") will ultimately be covered in the four clauses above.

Success to me is... simple.

Notes to Myself

1. Avoid the negative social structure our society has inexplicably created. People are really, strangely dishonest. I fall victim to it far too often because I see the best in people. I want to like people, I want to help them, I want everyone to be kind and happy. It's naive, but it's in my blood like a disease. Even after I've been gut-punched by a friend who just jumped ship, or I've heard a pal is secretly reveling in my misery, I get back up and get on the trust train again. That is so innately me that it will never change, so the best I can do is to stay away from folks who perpetuate this "it's kind of trendy to never tell the truth" culture.

2. Friday Night Lights is really, strangely too good and confining me to my bed.

3. Adult decisions, though obviously necessary, are hard. I made the choice to go back to school recently, and I was very unsure of it. When a job offer from interviews-past was made last night, I was surprised to find that I really don't want to give up this new school-oriented path I've chosen. However, the job pays well, and I need money. I just keep staring at my inbox, waiting for the right words to come to me. I know I'll make the right decision for me, but really, life, WHAT THE WHAT!?

4. Seriously though, why are people so inexplicably joyous about others' sadness? That's crazy messed up.

5. Cute pets are really good for comfort. BUT REALLY HARD TO LEAVE.

6. Just because the aforementioned decisions are hard, doesn't mean I can't make them myself.

7. Spotify is a god.

8. People are just people. They're not very great a lot of the time, and I have a hard time accepting that... but I just need to start trying to let it go and focus on the seldom great ones there are. Zen lyfe?

9. Boats n' ho's. Or something. I don't know. I felt like I had many more profound notes when I started this, but now all I want to do is cuddle my Yoda and my boo Netflix.

Days in Pictures, Pictures in Days

I feel like I have SO MUCH TO SAY, but never the adequate time to say it anymore. I'll catch everyone up soon, and I'll absolutely have so many gonna and miscellaneous entries set up in a queue ASAP, but in the mean time, my iPhone snapshots from late will have to do.

Miss you all! I'll be back at it soon, god hopin'.

Busy Bee-otch

I've been non-stop lately. Even when I'm "relaxing on the couch watching a movie," I'm still constantly connected to the technology required to keep my projects going. That or loading the dishwasher for the 90th time.

I'll be back soon with a gonna-related post, but until then, here is an assortment of things that I've been doing, reading, laughing about, or making me say "WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

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Terror-ridden watching and shake-crying my way through J's wisdom teeth extraction/post-surgery recovery. Good luck ever getting these painful, probably infected assholes out of my head, dentists everywhere.
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Missing a distinct lack of work the beach.

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Writing feminist rants on my Tumblr.

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Mitt Romney's terrible PR team. "Ol' Barry's rallyin' them YOUNG VOTERS AT THEM THERE COLLEGES!!!! POTUS SUX!!!!!"

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Oh, you know... Southern Sheek. It's even got its own domain now... THEY GROW UP SO FAST!

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Speaking of Romneysaurus, Ann, what are you wearing? Look at your life, look at your choices.

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Trying to get special dog to stop attempting to hump helper dog long enough for me to crack into "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo."

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WHAT?!?!?!?!

Now I'm going to go snuggle up to ol' Wisdom Teefless and get some shut-eye, but I'll be back with a legit entry soon, loves!

A Collection of Quotes

Some quotes I live by, others I want to live by, and others that are simply beautiful.

"I don’t believe in guilt, I believe in living on impulse as long as you never intentionally hurt another person, and don’t judge people in your life. I think you should live completely free." 

– Angelina Jolie

"You may fish all day and not get a strike. Therefore, make up your mind to have a good time. Enjoy camp life and exercise in the open air and you will be well repaid for your trip." 

– L.L. Bean 

"Everything is more beautiful because we are doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again." 

– Homer

"Everything is energy and that’s all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics." 

– Albert Einstein

"If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret." 

– Jim Carrey

"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." 

– Steve Jobs

"I’m bold and angry and tortured and tremendous and I notice when someone has changed their hair part, or when someone is wearing two very distinctly different shades of black or when someone changes the natural temperament of their voice on the phone. I don’t give out empty praise. I’m not complacent or well-adjusted. I can’t spend fifteen minutes breathing and stretching and getting in touch with myself. I can’t spend three minutes finishing an article. I check my answering machine nine times every day and I can’t sleep at night because I feel that there is so much to do and fix and change in the world, and I wonder every day if I am making a difference and if I will ever express the greatness within me, or if I will remain forever paralyzed by muddled madness inside my head. I’ve wept on every birthday I’ve ever had because life is huge and fleeting and I hate certain people and certain shoes and I feel that life is terribly unfair and sometimes beautiful and wonderful and extraordinary but also numbing and horrifying and insurmountable and I hate myself a lot of the time. The rest of the time I adore myself and I adore my life in this city and in this world we live in. This huge and wondrous, bewildering, brilliant, horrible world." 

– Jennifer Westfeldt

Yet Another Solution

I've been debating for a couple of weeks now what to write on here that will bring a more consistent level of "deepness" to my posts. Not to say that they won't still be funny or weird or even half-shallow, but I've found myself writing so many choppy entries littered with bullet points lately. I want to find a consistent story to tell instead of listing my life away.

So while I've been working, cleaning, violently reading "Catching Fire," while I've been dog-mommying, boyfriending, and playing a hellacious game of phone tag with the dentist's office*, I decided the best way to keep writing between accomplishing my fear-laden gonnas was to anecdote it up. There's no reason not to tell personal stories on a blog about... well, my life.

I don't want to become a carbon copy of Hyperbole (though illustrations would really boost my storytelling). I don't want to get all irksome and depressive either in an effort to avoid using my naturally comedic writing. I just want to write, and I just want people to laugh - at me or with me.

Attaching a story to this would be forced and drawn-out, so I'll just leave things as they are while I queue up the stories as they come to me. In the meantime, I'll finally be updating Southern Sheek, so ya won't have to miss me too much.

Happy Friday!

*Yeah, that's right. Finally called 'em!

Love à la Avetts

Like their philosophies on life in general, the Avetts know what's up when it comes to love. Enjoy!

"And I know we are young but we won't always be, so marry me..."

- I Would Be Sad

"I'm yours and that's it, forever.
You're mine and that's it, forever."

- The Ballad of Love and Hate

"I know now what it means to care
About somebody other than myself"

- Shame

"It's not the chase that I love, it's me following you."

- Kick Drum Heart

"Always remember, there is nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name"

- Murder in the City

"Say yes, we live uncertainty

And disappointments have to be,

And everyday we might be facing more.

And yes we live in desperate times,

But fading words and shaking rhymes.

There’s only one thing here worth hoping for,

With Lucifer beneath you and God above,

If either one of them asks you what your living of

Say 'love,' say for me 'love.'"

- Living of Love

Philosophy à la Avetts

I've always said that The Avett Brothers could compile a book of the perfect life philosophy using lyrics from their songs. Since that's most likely only my pipe dream, I decided to gather the ones I hope to live my life by over time. Here ya go, from one NC girl and one NC band.

"And I guess I might have made a few mistakes,

But maybe that's exactly what it takes

To get a little happy in this big sad world."

- One Line Wonder

"For all I know there's more I don't

Oh, the little I have learned.

For every year of knowledge gained

Is a negative year I've earned."
- Backwards With Time

"Maybe I don't have to be good, but I can try to be

At least a little better than I've been so far..."

- When I Drink

"I wanna have friends that I can trust,

that love me for the man I've become, not the man that I was.

I wanna have friends that will let me be

all alone when being alone is all that I need.

I wanna fit in to the perfect space,

feel natural and safe in a volatile place.

And I wanna grow old without the pain,

give my body back to the earth and not complain."

- The Perfect Space

"You can't make everybody happy all of the time."

- Paranoia in B Minor

"True love is not the kind of thing you should turn down,

Don't ever turn it down."

- January Wedding

"If I get murdered in the city,

Don't go revengin' in my name.

One person dead from such is plenty."

- Murder in the City

"When at first I learned to speak,

I used all my words to fight

With him and her and you and me,

Oh, but it's just a waste of time.

Yeah, it's such a waste of time."

- I and Love and You

"But nobody knows what lies behind

The days before the day we die."

- Die, Die, Die

"The weight of lies will bring you down

And follow you to every town,

'Cause nothing happens here that doesn't happen there,

So when you run make sure you run

To something and not away from."

- The Weight of Lies

Damn, they're good.

Fear is a Dangerous Thing

Coming from someone who has a lot of experience with the F word, fear is truly the most dangerous entity in the world. I don't really know if it can be classified as an emotion, maybe a feeling, but whatever it is, is perilous to life.

Most of my fears are physical: heights, flying, serial killers hiding in my house, bad health, elevators falling, house fires... you know, the lot of neuroses most people would claim as being one of their irrational phobias because we're all scared of the same shit, deep down inside. These stem from places inside us, but we can touch the airplanes, the buildings, and the matches that could burn our house and memories to ash.

But the most detrimental fears are those that live solely in our heads, the things that fuel our physical fears but aren't necessarily tangible to our fingertips: fear of failure, of loss, of being alone, of success, of love, of dying. The list goes on. I have most of these fears and they're extremely deep-seated. (Being alone and love aren't in my mental list. I've racked up a lot of solo time lately and I've been surviving. Oh, and love ain't scary, 'cause I got it and it's so, so delicious.)

The difference between my dreading these things and everyone else dreading them is that I let the fear take over. I let it impede the things I do. I let it dictate my life. I can't travel to the dazzling places I dream of because I can't hop on a plane. I can't throw myself into my many ideas for the future because I'm terrified I'll fail. I can't not get winded climbing up the stairs of a 20-foot building because I just didn't trust the shady, smelly elevator.

Fear is my Ike Turner, but enough is enough. I'm prepared to run penniless from our hotel and get the hell outta this shitty, abusive relationship I have with fear.

As you long-time readers have noticed, this blog has evolved to more of a personal one over the months. It is peppered with gonnas here and there, the kind of stuff that was the life-blood of this blog in its beginning days, but it is so much more now. It became what it should have - the continuation of The Gonna Girl's life after she no longer had to get y'all, or herself, to publicly force her to do the things she said she would.

So here it is, evolving again. While I no longer need to note and then complete gonnas for groceries, cleaning, and job-hunting, I do need to complete gonnas pertaining to all of these fears blocking me from living a full life. I no longer need to record my every move every month because I am doing those things off camera, off blog. I do need to document me jumping over massive hurdles and conquering the things that scare me the most.

I'll continue posting random stuff about my life, ranting in HB entries, and attempting to make everyone laugh with my writing, but the gonnas as you've known them will be gone. They will be more meaningful, more difficult to overcome. The gonnas might show up less often because they are so massive to overcome in my brain, but perhaps they will be easier to tackle than I could have ever possibly imagined.

Wish me luck!

P.S. If you haven't read my past entry, it's important to do so! It will benefit the needy in this holiday season. Feel free to pass it along :) Love you all.