Number 13

13. Finish writing a book with C.

At the end of May, C and I sat down over glasses of (one of) our favorite wine(s), and she asked me one of my favorite questions any one person can ever ask:

Will you write with me?

Specifically, she asked me to help her write a particular story she was burning to tell. It was a true story, but she planned to change names and embellish, making it what we dubbed faction (fact + fiction). So with the doors open, candles burning, and our planners wide open, we made a way to find enough hours over enough days to finish a book by the end of 2013.

The deadline, while unrealistic to some, was good for us. We both needed the pressure of a due date, but we didn't need to feel so pressured that we caved and gave up. Giving the book as a gift for Christmas was a perfect reason to finish, as well as a solid goal to work toward.

The process began pretty regularly: Wednesdays after work, there we were, writing and editing. We quickly realized that since it was her story, she should spend the week writing, and our time together would be spent editing and adding whatever I thought would be helpful or funny. We pedaled along pretty quickly with a title and 15 single-spaced pages before life interrupted.

Between our vacations and family get-togethers together (she's J's sister), we had events to tend to separately as well. She was embarking on a new journey of competitive running, while I was balancing my work and school. It started to look like someone was conspiring against us and our words, but somehow we still always found a way to meet. In some instances, we had to move the time; others the day. There were even some missed weeks here and there, but somehow we found ourselves in the dead of fall, 30 single-spaced pages in.

At the beginning of November, I was in full-blown new-job mode. On top of that, I had to balance a full load of grad classes. Inconveniently, Thanksgiving found its way into our schedule as well. We saw each other only twice that month, a striking difference from the normal 4-8 times a month we had seen each other since living in the same town. I felt horrible, not only for abandoning C, but for abandoning our book. It was our baby.

December rolled around, and shortly thereafter, I got an email from C.

"IT'S FINALLY DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I knew she had been writing, but the last time I'd seen her, our little novella lay in the 30-something range. The piece she had just sent me was 20+ pages longer..... and all that was standing between releasing the book to our friends and family was my editing every single word with the same diligence I'd had in prior months. The only problem was I also had hundreds of papers to grade AND two giant projects due in less than a week. Shit.

In a zombified stupor, I got through all of my work duties and all of my projects. I started editing until my eyes bled, but it still took me three days to finish revising the final pages the way they deserved. I rushed over to C's house four days before her departure to the Great North where she'd be delving out the first round of the books on flash drives to the family. It was close, but somehow, we did it. And after all was said and done, we ended up with an 83-page novella.

Writing this little book taught me a lot about a lot. I had to learn to be ever-so-reliable because the success of C's story depended on my editorial skills. I had to learn to be patient because quality work takes time, despite my need for instant results. I had to learn to let go of the reigns because this wasn't my story, this was C's story. I had to learn how to work as a true professional team for the first time in my life because no one else has ever treated me as a professional equal before.

Our book might not be Gatsby or War and Peace, but it IS a labor of love (and a little Sedaris-y if I do say so myself). It is one of those gonnas we all talk about doing, and damn if we didn't actually do it.

I am glad I got to help my friend tell her story, but most of all, I am glad to know that with a solid friendship, anything is possible.

If you're interested in reading our little tale, I have a PDF version ready and raring to go! Email, as always, is imgonnadothatgirl@gmail.com.

Pulse Check

If remembering me after my admittedly prolonged absence is not too hard to do, you might remember I turned 26 a few months ago. In honor of that, I decided to evolve the gonnas once again into a cute little list of things I was gonna make happen in the course of a year. I've had the fortune of crossing one of the to-do's off my list multiple times, but I realized that as often as I pulse check my list, you guys might be a little left in the dark. Without further ado, here are my charts, people! Please feel free to peruse them, and definitely let me know if you see signs of infection or impending death.

1. Wake up with the sun at least 180 days over the next year.

I've only woken up with the sun for about a week total so far, but thanks to a new job opportunity, this gonna will slowly start melting away!

2. Fly to visit my sister in Japan.

Not yet, but truly hoping the aforementioned job opportunity will be my ticket to this gonna. I can't wait to see all the beautiful scenery in person I've seen in her photos so far.

3. Finish my screenplay.

I've made some progress here! I'm still closer to the start than the finish, but I am also further from the beginning than I was before.

4. Don't let items I have gathered to create a project sit on my shelf for more than 2 weeks... ever.

This 26-for-26 gonna has been an epic failure so far. I have reminded myself that with all that's going on, it's okay to let this goal slide....... but I still can't help but wish I had the time to stick to my guns. I have done a little better about downsizing and working on what I can here and there, but there is definitely room for improvement before next July.

5. Diagnose and solve my voice problems, then sing publicly when I have the all clear.

I have actually DONE the latter half of this goal (karaoke nights DO COUNT, especially when you sing Les Mis by yourself) without doing the first. While I feel liberated and more ready to tackle this goal, more than anything, I now know that there is absolutely a REAL problem with my voice, and I need to take care of it now rather than later.

6. Get my teaching license.

As long as I keep my nose to the grindstone (and learn to accept that a perfect 4.0 might not be possible with a full-time job AND classes), I should have my license in May!

7. Write one blog every week!

This is the one that really spurred me to update everyone since I obviously haven't been blogging weekly. However, I have been writing a little more here and there overall, which is really what's important to me. I think a more properly worded goal would be "Have 52 new blog entries by next year," meaning if I have the time to write five times in one week, I will. If I have no time to write for a month, that's okay, too.

8. Learn to drive a manual car.

My handsome teacher is currently out of stick-shifting commission, so this is on hold for the time being. 

9. Make 50 YouTube videos.

I've made one. ONE! I've got work to do...

10. Get over my fear of heights by climbing a lighthouse, ziplining, both, or more!

Whereas I once dreaded this gonna, I'm actually kinda looking forward to getting over this fear, or at least diminishing it in my mind. The question remains: what exactly will I be doing to get over this fear? Skydiving is out, but I'm open to other suggestions, y'all.

11. Teach someone something life-changing.

Hopefully I will be doing this every day in my new position. And hopefully, it'll be somewhat tangible so I can report back here.

12. Make a Southern road trip to Texas and back.

See #2.

13. Finish writing a book with C.

We are so, so close to finishing this gonna. We have a self-imposed deadline of early December so we can distribute these bad boys as presents. It's so crazy to think that months ago, this story was just an idea, and now, it's almost finished!

14. Learn how to sew.

I have no idea how to even begin this one, but I REALLY, REALLY want to learn. Help?

15. Go legit camping for a weekend with J and the pups.

This has almost happened a handful of times, but life keeps getting in the way. We must make a note to ignore it for a weekend before it gets too cold!

16. Spend more time with my family.

I feel like I've been doing this, but I don't think I'll be able to properly gauge this until next July when I see the progress I've made over the course of a full year.

17. Do some photoshoots (at least one!) with a professional photographer.

18. Get something published.

I've found some contests for publishing, but so far, none of my already written material meets the criteria. Since I'm not in the position to write something brand new, the search continues... for now.

19. Raise $500 for my business, Southern Sheek.

I haven't raised anything so far. I'll most likely have to save this gonna until closer to the end of the year!

20. Do a Goodwill-level cleanout every 3 months until I only have what I (for the most part) need.

I have done this in off-beat ways, but there is definitely more to do before I can cross this off my list in good faith. I've been consigning some of my stuff with my favorite local store, as well as gathering random items here and there before loading them in bags in my trunk. I guess I need to actually make my way to Goodwill now, right?

21. Let go of toxic people in my life.

I've had to do some of this already, but whether I've really cleaned out the toxicity closet (and whether I've done it well) remains to be seen.

22. Make a weekend trip to a new place, any place.

I've made a lot of weekend trips, but none to a new place so far! Still waiting to find the perfect, cheap destination.

23. Write and send fanmail to all those people who have inspired me along the way.

I have addresses; I just need to get to writing!

24. Meet a sloth!

I actually attempted to do this with J, and my friends L and B, at a local science museum...... BUT THE SLOTH HAD INEXPLICABLY BEEN MOVED TO THE AQUARIUM, which was under construction. P.S. Sloths are great swimmers, so I mean, I GUESS I GET IT, but I really almost cried.

25. Really make 10 people's day - five of whom I know and five strangers.

Hopefully I've done this without knowing, but now that I have the means to pay it forward, I'm really going to try and do a better job.

26. Be thankful and say so at the end of every day.

Despite this one seeming so easy, it's actually the hardest for me. Most days, I am thankful and say so. But there are days when {most} everything seems so bad that it's hard to remember to be grateful for the things that remain intact. I have been doing better lately, and I'm hoping I've trained my brain to stay in that spot of thankfulness.

Camel City Style: Part I

Over the past few months, I've had the privilege to work with Camel City Covet, a local ONLINE boutique here in the good ol' Camel City! (That means all of you out-of-towners who read this li'l blog can order anything you see.) It wasn't long before I asked the owner, S, if I could borrow a piece from the Covet's closet to style in three unique ways for the blog. Though this sort of entry might seem out of left field to some of you, HEY! It's not. This blog won a styling contest... remember? ;)

This first look is Camel City Business Casual. Enjoy!

Bra: Victoria's Secret // Top: Camel City Covet // Blazer: H&M // Jeans: Old Navy // Bracelet: Etsy

Tired of Tired

I'm tired.

I'm tired of not appreciating enough the only job that will have me. I'm tired of not having money. I'm tired of working too hard to make the career I DO want for myself. I'm tired of being told "sometimes you have to do things in life you don't want to do," just to turn around and alternatively be told "life's too short, so do what you love." I'm tired of asking for help and not getting any. I'm tired of being told to ask for help after I've already asked. I'm tired of busting my ass to make an occupation I love and getting door after door slammed in my face. I'm tired of people telling me "you must not be working hard enough, then."

I'm tired.

I'm tired of feeling anxious and worried all the time. I'm tired of explaining those things stem from illness. I'm tired of explaining that yes, mental illness is real. I'm tired of feeling sick all the time. I'm tired of doctors telling me I'm okay when I feel so distinctly un-okay. I'm tired of feeling fatigue on 3 or 8 or 10 hours of sleep. I'm tired of internally hating my sicknesses when I love my self and my body so much. I'm tired of being told to walk it off, work through it, get over it. I'm tired of searching for a solution and finding the same old lines fed to me by professionals who haven't ever had their mind and body fighting against them. I'm tired of not getting to enjoy life because I'm bound by invisible chains of pain.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being the last one. I'm tired of being a best friend, but not THE best friend. I'm tired of being alone and lonely, one or the other or both. I'm tired of waiting in the wings. I'm tired of putting myself out there too often, too far. I'm tired of having to go back into hiding. I'm tired of always caring, but never being cared for. I'm tired of missing people, even when some of those people are still right in front of me. I'm tired of calling, texting, emailing, chatting. I'm tired of letting all of it slide, letting everyone think it's okay to put me last. I'm tired of being unsupported.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of knowing where I should be, yet not having the means to get there. I'm tired of knowing who and what makes me happy, yet unimportant realities get priority, get in the way when they shouldn't. I'm tired of apologizing. I'm tired of trying to fit my round personality into a boring square hole. I'm tired of screaming. I'm tired of not fulfilling my potential in life for reasons I don't understand, but reasons that nonetheless weigh so heavily on my shoulders every day.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of knowing I'm good enough and falling on my face every. single. time. I'm tired of being told to grow up, to stop caring, to get over it, to let go of my dreams. I'm tired of a lack of faith, of hope, of connection, of love. I'm tired of pleasing others who say they know what's best for me. I'm tired of being told I'm not capable of knowing what is best for myself. I'm tired of standing up for myself. I'm tired of being anyone other than myself.

I'm tired of being tired.

Number 17

17. Do some photoshoots (at least one!) with a professional photographer.

About a month out from my 26th birthday, I didn't expect to have a full gonna from my 26 for 26 list scratched off. I expected to have a tally of days up with the sun and perhaps a few leads on some of my other goals, but to believe I'd have one done, finished, TOTALLY FINITO... would be unrealistic. I had to be willing to put time into the process before getting actual results, else I would be swimming in constant disappointment my gonnas weren't happening fast enough, or worse, at all.

But I think something inside of me knew being so realistic would hinder me this time around. 26 Gonnas for 26 is about reaching for something more and going bigger than I have in any year before. And like that tried and true line, you have to do something you've never done before to get something you've never had. And you know what the something I'd never done before was? Opening my eyes. Being receptive. Appreciating what I had at my fingertips...

Literally.

When scrolling through Instagram as usual, I stumbled across a new local shop. I loved everything about it instantly, so I did what we all do in the age of the follow: followed. Less than a week later, I answered the simple modeling call they put out on their IG account. Sam, the owner, invited me right over for a fitting. Instead of questioning everything the way I always do, I just dove in. And you know what? It felt so comfortable and right.

In what feels like a whirlwind of only seconds, I was meeting up with a group of wonderful models and photographers to do the most epic and exciting guerilla photoshoot for Camel City Covet. Everyone was so open and kind, and it really allowed for the most palpable storm of creativity I have ever felt. It was nothing short of inspiring.

photo by Drake Avenue Photography

photo by Jeremy Maynard

photo by Drake Avenue Photography

photo by Skyler Brown

photo by Drake Avenue Photography

Though tired from a twelve-hour day, I was deliriously happy post-photoshoot. I felt invigorated by the creativity I had been a part of that day, and was pumped to have made a great handful of new friends. Most of all, I was wiser. In less than a day, I had learned how bold and brave you have to be in order to make some of your dreams a reality. I had learned that even though sometimes you're out of practice and even though it won't be perfect, it's essential to take a first step. I had learned that sometimes, you just have to jump right in... even if you're jumping into a freezing cold pool.

And you know what else? It was really, really fun.

photo by Drake Avenue Photography

photo by Drake Avenue Photography

All photos seen here are property of their respective photographers. They're all incredibly talented, awesome, and kind people, so please don't be crappy and take their work without asking. You can check out their stellar work on the sites I linked below each photo.

If you see any clothes you like, order online from Camel City Covet!

26 Gonnas for 26!

Happy July, everyone! This is one of my favorite, yet busiest months. Birthdays, parties, holidays, vacations, and anniversaries like Oprah is handing them out -- one for you, and one for you, and one for YOU! I'm going to be on the run most of this month, but I won't leave you hanging without entries. However, they'll be on a sort of off-kilter timeline. Can ya dig?

With my birthday looming in a mere 11 (almost 10!) days, I decided to kick off the month with a birthday-related gonna challenge... for myself. I mean, overall, 25 was great. It had marvelous moments, but also dark ones. I went through a bit of a quarter-life crisis, and though I'm sure it's not completely done with me, the crisis is definitely on the waning end of a decline. But you know what? I'm ready for better than great; I'm ready for amazing.

After reading this article, it didn't take me long to figure out what I wanted to get myself for my name day: my break; my second chance. Sure, I overcame a few of the bigger gonnas I'd set up for myself in year two-five, but ever the perfectionist, I want to do better. Ever the believer of my own late bloomed-ness, I am hoping 26 is going to be my door-opening year. Every year after that will build on the success I hope know 26 will be. Happy sort-of-late-twentyhood to me!

1. Wake up with the sun at least 180 days over the next year.
2. Fly to visit my sister in Japan.*
3. Finish my screenplay.
4. Don't let items I have gathered to create a project sit on my shelf for more than 2 weeks... ever.
5. Diagnose and solve my voice problems, then sing publicly when I have the all clear.
6. Get my teaching license.
7. Write one blog every week!
8. Learn to drive a manual car.
9. Make 50 YouTube videos.
10. Get over my fear of heights by climbing a lighthouse, ziplining, both, or more!
11. Teach someone something life-changing. **
12. Make a Southern road trip to Texas and back.*
13. Finish writing a book with C.
14. Learn how to sew.
15. Go legit camping for a weekend with J and the pups.
16. Spend more time with my family. **
17. Do some photoshoots (at least one!) with a professional photographer.
18. Get something published.
19. Raise $500 for my business, Southern Sheek.
20. Do a Goodwill-level cleanout every 3 months until I only have what I (for the most part) need.
21. Let go of toxic people in my life.
22. Make a weekend trip to a new place, any place.
23. Write and send fanmail to all those people who have inspired me along the way.
24. Meet a sloth!
25. Really make 10 people's day - five of whom I know and five strangers.
26. Be thankful and say so at the end of every day.

* Money allowing.
** Specifics to come when I figure it out!

I'm gonna do this! What are y'all gonna do this year?

END OF SEMESTER GLORY!

I'm as brain dead as a bird who flew into a window, but I'm so excited to have an entire summer ahead of me with time to write and write, then read and read. That day ain't today, because I'm going to watch some shitty T.V. while passing out... babysteps, you know? In the mean time, enjoy some photos of times recent and get ready for some scribblings in the very near future!

Freak Out

Copying my lovely Kacey on this one. I love the idea! Sometimes we get so caught up in being "normal" that we don't pay enough attention to the differences that make us... us. Without further ado, what takes me to a level of visceral hate and/or horror that other people seem to LOVE + a couple'a things I actually DO love... probably far much more than the average human.

HATIN' IT:

- Mayo. Seriously, why? WHY? It's disgusting AND scary, and for some reason, you can't get anything in the South without it. Just yesterday I threatened the crew at Firehouse Subs with a punch in the face if they put mayonaise on my sandwich. I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm not.

- People who don't understand feminism/women's rights. Seriously, who are you?

- Taylor Swift. NO ELABORATION NEEDED! Ugh.

- The Big Bang Theory. The show, not the actual theory. Whereas I find the scientific theory riveting, the show makes me want to bang my head in, pun intended.

- Talking about childbirth. I am not interested/am utterly disgusted.

- The Twilight series.

- Homeland. I've watched 3 episodes and believe it to be legitimately horrible, besides Mandy Patinkin.

- Inconsiderate, unsafe drivers.

- PEOPLE WHO DISRESPECT THE TEACHING PROFESSION!

LOVIN' IT:
- Cleaning. It gives me this really strange sense of peace. If I get overwhelmed with school work or life in general, I just zone out doing the dishes or something. Zen and the Art of Housework Maintenance?

- Basically every sci-fi/fantasy/action/comedy fandom on the planet. Like this kind of thing.

- Strong females, like Beyonce, Leslie Knope, and Daenerys Stormborn.

- Abbreviating things that don't actually need to be abbreviated.

- TAKING SELFIES, OKAY?!

- Cheap champagne.

- Southern springs, summers, and falls.

- THE N64!

- My peoples.

- Lists, but this one could go on for weeks, so I'll end here. Cheers!

Not to Sound...

Have you ever had those moments where you want to say something, do something, but you don't because of how you'll sound? How you'll look? I know most of us like to imagine we don't really care what people think, but I'm posed to guess that even those people who DO have lower give-a-shit levels still have the I-wanna-be-accepted gene floating around somewhere inside. I'm one of those people, so I feel safe in assuming I'm not the only one

For the most part, I say what I feel and do what I want because I don't care what strangers think about me. And as for those who DO know me, they accept me for who I am, so I don't have to care. Right? RIGHT?!

Kinda.

I know that my little love circle of friends/family/BF/etc. will accept me, weirdness and all, every day for the rest of my life. I don't care about them accepting me as is because, well... they do. But I do care if they think I'm suddenly becoming a horrible monster, or an annoying bitch, or a shell of a person. I expect them to call me on it because I would want them to. And though I have no aspirations to become any of those things, sometimes I wonder if things I say might sway them to believe I'm on that scary road.

But in keeping with my fear overcoming and my 2013 resolving, I just need to continue making the internal external... without crossing the T.Swift line, of course.

Not to sound naive...
but I really just want everyone to get along and be nice to each other. Be grateful. Say thank you. Don't guilt those of us who believe in this kind of thing. Just smile, man.

Not to sound vain...
but I'd like to model from time to time. I want great photos to look back on when I'm a relic of a good life. I want to work with my fabulous photographer friends. I want to improve my own photography skills by knowing what works, and then flip the camera around on all my beautiful pals.

Not to sound demanding...
but I want to start promoting my creative endeavors more often, and I want my circle to support me in that. I don't want people to be annoyed in doing so, either.

Not to sound ridiculous...
but I wish people danced more. DANCE WITH ME, Y'ALL!

Not to sound crazy...
but I'd really like to make a dime or two by writing, humoring, acting, and singing. And I really don't want to do it alone. Join me friends; I've got ideas! (Seriously, email me: imgonnadothatgirl@gmail.com)

Not to sound pushy...
but do the same. Tell me what you want to say, what you want to do, and then let's go do it.

Not to sound cheesy... oh, hell, I've never cared about sounding cheesy.
We can make our lives these crazy, amazing adventures, but only if we help each other accomplish our goals.

Now let's Leslie Knope this shit and get on with our awesome existences!

Me & Drew

I've been feeling a little dried up lately writing-wise. It's not that I don't have ideas, it's just that I can't really get them out. Sometimes putting an actual pen to paper helps get things flowing, but most of the time, there's just some kind of congestion in the thought-to-words process.

But during this gloomy Monday and a temporary Internet outage, I decided to crack open the newest copy of Good Housekeeping. This mag just started showing up one day, and I'm not one to turn away anything that involves good interior design and organization. Besides, I have my suspicions that my delightful Grandma sent the surprise subscription my way...

Backstory aside, I finally got to the cover article about Drew Barrymore. I've always been a fan, (though I know she can be another one of those polarizing celebs) so I was curious to see what the gal had been up to since her marriage and baby havin'. And on a gloomy Monday with my nose in the pages of GH, I had an unexpected moment of inspiration alongside Ms. Barrymore.

Her achievements and drive are both motivational and admirable, but even more were Drew's fierce love and happiness she has toward her lot in life that really struck a chord with me. (Read the full article here if you so please.) I've felt this deep level of gratitude with the universe lately, despite not being able to find any other words for the intensity of gratefulness I have other than "thank you." When I read about someone else feeling that kind of fullness and not getting overwhelmed in the process, it made it a little easier to find the right thing to say. It felt easier to let go of the things I have to wait for, and to make moves on the things I have power over right now. It even made it easier to forgive myself for taking yet another day recovery day for this cold and shoving four scoops of ice cream in my face while doing so.

I may have to shake the sleep from all of my creative and motivative bones, but the feeling of simpatico I have from this little article will make the comeback more manageable and serve as a constant source of inspiration to return to in the difficult hours.

And all the while, I'm going to stay so, so thankful for all of the love (and every big AND tiny thing in between) I have in my life. Just like Drew, I'm intending to fight like a lion to stay happy for the rest of my days.

Taylor Swift Syndrome

Taylor Swift is ruining our lives.

Aside from dominating the iTunes Top 100 and therefore ruining my browsing pleasure, she is seriously and negatively affecting society. How you say? I'M GLAD YOU ASKED!

This girl, for some reason, has a great deal of power. She's like a baby Hitler for tween and teen girls, and no matter how much I protest, even some of my own gal pals. She pulls them in with her poppy (not country-y) songs and relatable lyrics, because let's face it, who hasn't been 15 and heartbroken? And if you grew up in the South, it's unlikely you don't have "Tim McGraw" in your music library, even if you're a 20-something who wants to teach the world about the dangers of Miss. Swift and her teardrop-covered guitar.

But these tunes are all propaganda for this darker, deeper thing that scares the shit out of me. T. Swift has been dubbed this cute little girl next door, but if Janis Ian taught me anything, it's that Taylor Swift is a mean girl. She is a mean girl in nice girls clothing, and she's doing a really good job of tricking a lot of people into believing that clothing is the real deal. That trickery is dangerous. That trickery makes girls everywhere believe it's okay to act the way Taylor acts. And the way Taylor acts is manipulative, disrespectful, and far from nice.

Of course I haven't sat down and discussed philosophy and ASOS with the girl, but I don't need to. I don't need to because she airs her dirty laundry via song, even if that means airing other people's dirty laundry, too. And trust me, you can tell a lot about a person by what they're willing to discuss publicly.

Taylor is of this breed of person who doesn't mind sharing her whole life with the world. That's fine to an extent, because she can choose to share whatever she wants with whomever. But when other people come into play, when other people's private lives get thrusted into the public eye just because they intersect with ol' Swiftys, a line gets crossed. When Taylor does things like discuss another woman's sexuality or directly name men in her songs, she is taking away the right of those people to choose what they want or don't want to share with the public. And that's bullying. That's disrespectful. That's mean.

That deeper, darker thing I mentioned earlier? The scary-as-hell thing that Taylor has done? She has created this environment where she is essentially giving the OK to put anyone who slights you on blast, simply for your own selfish wants, but turn around and say "Oh, but I'm hurt, I couldn't possibly share any of the blame, and it's totally fine because I'm the victim!"

Wrong. So wrong.

People are going to hurt you, my little ladies. You're going to get shit upon and jerked around, and probably even worse. But unless there is a true evil to expose – a molester, a rapist, a beater – you're not helping anyone, most of all yourself, by putting people on blast. You're just prolonging your own torment, creating it for others, and disrespecting the boundaries of other human beings.

Your private life is an amazing, beautiful thing. It's something you get to keep close to you and you alone. Once you give it to someone else, you taint it. You can choose to share things with the person you love or even thousands of people if that's your bag, but the choice should always be yours, and you should never feel like someone has taken away your right to privacy. You should never, ever feel like you're allowed to take it away from someone else. And you should never, ever, ever let Taylor Swift Syndrome let you think it's okay to be an asshole just to make yourself feel better at the expense of one or ten or hundreds of other people.

There might be a fleeting sense of satisfaction Taylor's way, but there is such a prolonged, beautiful, peaceful bliss in caring about other people's feelings, letting things go, and keeping your dirty laundry in the nice, warm wicker basket in your bedroom at home.

Don't let Little Miss. Swift pull that polka-dotted, J.Crew sweater over your eyes. Being a disrespectful dick isn't cool, no matter how rockin' your bangs are. In the words of some much better songwriters, let it be.

I'm Ready, 2013

I spent my last hours of 2012 singing and dancing in a coliseum with a bunch of old work buddies. The Avett Brothers were rocking hard then singing sweetly, and they counted down the welcoming of the new year with the thousands of us that came to see them. Balloons and confetti and voices reigned down, and with them, the promise of a new year. The promise of a better year after a really tough one.

And you know what? Maybe it's just because we're all so damn determined to make it feel better this time around, but so far, 2013 really has been full of greatness. It's been chocked full of hope and niceness. I've seen people remembering what manners are and doing pleasant things for one another. I've seen a renewed sparkle in everyone's eyes, a kind of hop in everyone's step. And I'm really hoping that if we all hope and try hard enough, we can keep it this way for the year and many more years to come.

So without further ado, here are my resolutions for the year. They are simple and complex simultaneously, and only because I have such a sharp picture in my mind am I able to make them so short-n'-sweet.

Not only am I blessed with a resolution partner again, but a NETWORK of partners who are all resolved to grow and learn and live better from here on out. Honestly, this community growing closer, these friends and lovers and families and everything in-between, is the thing I'm most excited about for 2013.

Let's do this, y'all.

2012 Resolutions: A Recap

On the morning of New Years Day, J and I sat down and made some resolutions. I'm a person who forgets absolutely everything if I don't have it written down, so a list was a natural step in the process. As I'd never really seriously given weight to making resolutions until 2012, I thought it'd be a fun (and scary) project to see if I actually stuck to them. Here goes nothin'...

2012 Resolutions

1. Healthy lifestyle

While my healthier eating habits have slacked of late because of too little money in my bank account, I can proudly say that for the most part of 2012, I lived a healthier lifestyle than I have in years. I have worked out more consistently, been more aware of my diet, taken vitamins regularly, and lost 20 pounds. I gained back the extra five lost after my stint in the hospital by choice, and I finally have a grasp on what is important to me, body, mind, and health-wise.

Resolution status: complete.

2. Be more efficient

Efficiency and I will be at odds for many years to come, but I made great strides this year – thanks in part to my resolution partner, and then of my own volition after enough schooling. I have a long way to go, but my belongings have been cut in half, those still around are more organized, and I finally see shortcuts for making life easier that I wouldn't have prior to making this resolution. (It helps when you have someone willing to call you on your inefficiency as well! Ha.)

Resolution status: complete, but will make another appearance on the list this year.

3. Stop procrastinating

This is another one of those things I consistently battle with. While I've made improvements with the help of lists, friends, and even an occasional moment of self-motivation, I still have days upon days of utter procrastination.

Resolution status: touched upon, but will make another appearance on the list this year.

4. Overcome fears

YEP. Yup. Yes. Uh-huh. I found it in me to buck up to anesthesia twice, and though the prospect of being put under still doesn't sit well with me, it no longer looms over me with a gloomy weight. I've started singing in front of a small group of people again. I've exercised through scary moments due to my heart issues, knowing it would make it better in the end. I've taken up caffeine again in small amounts for the same reason. There are more fears to overcome, but I can feel my confidence in defeating them growing inside me everyday.

Resolution status: complete, but I will overcome more in 2013.

5. Accomplish a big goal

I had to think about this for a while because I really didn't feel like I'd accomplished something grand this year. Everything got increasingly hard as the year went on and tragedy and heartbreak hit both close and far from home. I felt bogged down by the weight of the bad things, only to finally be saved by remembering the good. Remembering that I'd done something daring and big and maybe a bit crazy...

This year, I let go of a job that made me feel mentally battered in every possible way to focus on myself and what I really wanted. And guess what? It worked. I truly know what I want from life and how to get there. The not knowing had spilled over into all the other parts of my life, the more important parts. Now that I have direction, drive, and excitement, I feel like I can truly give myself to those other fantastic parts of life all the way. Now the only problem is waiting for life to catch up.

Resolution status: complete. Here I come, Masters degree!

This is my last post of 2012. I'm wishing everyone a happy 2013, and I hope y'all have great NYE fun! Most of all, I hope you have the faith I do that we can all make this next year better for ourselves and each other.

I'm hopeful for the happy ending. I'm crossing my fingers, universe. Are you listening?

Meet The Simple Dog

On Christmas Eve last year, my boyfriend left the house to go pick up my present. He made up a crazy story, so I expected he was half joking and would walk back in with a wrapped box from his truck. When he finally turned up 20 minutes later, he told me to close my eyes, so I did. A gal who never wants to ruin her surprises, I kept them shut tight until I felt a little weight and some warmth on my lap.

I opened my eyes and saw the droopy little face I'd been eyeing for months. My friends had been fostering a little pup for a couple of months, and I'd give J the "PLEASE, OH PLEASE?!" look every time we'd visit, hoping we could adopt him. When I realized he was actually my gift, I was so surprised that J later told me he wasn't sure I was excited. I was.

We shortly considered Copper, but Cooper rolled off the tongue and reminded me of a certain silver-topped journalist. It wasn't long before ol' Coop started to show us his funny ways, and that is when I dubbed him The Simple Dog, thanks to Miss. Allie Brosh over at Hyperbole and a Half.

See, it's not that he couldn't learn tricks or that he didn't know the word "No." He just wandered around rooms aimlessly, tried to squeeze himself inside every nook and cranny he could find, and he would bump into literally anything in his path. It was funny and gave him this little charm I couldn't help loving, but it didn't take us long to get his ass to the vet.

It was there we discovered that he had worms and a heart murmur. This dingbat of a doctor told us to go see a specialist, but I thought logically, "Hey! Don't most growing things get heart murmurs? Couldn't worms give him a murmur?" It took one Google search to find out I was right. As soon as he was treated for the worms, a whole new dog emerged and the murmur was gone. Said doctor was also kicked to the curb.

This new side of Coop was still just as hilarious, but now in a little less of a "I'm worried about him" way and more in a "You're kind of like the Andy Kaufman of dogs" way. He would bound up the stairs and run on the couch like a maniac one second, but flop onto the bed after playing with a tennis ball for five seconds. He learned some new tricks and started talking like a Wookie when he didn't get his way. He made us laugh like crazy, and I fell so deep in love with the goof.

Something was still afoot with the little lad, a conclusion we made after finding rogue blood in the backyard. Tests and lots of money later, we found out he had a congenital liver disease that could only be cured with a surgery we did not (and still don't) have the money for. He was put on medicine that he can never stop taking.

That was early this year. Here we are, on Simple Dog's Gotcha Day, and he's just as goofy as ever. He's actually pretty healthy for a technically sick boy, and until he shows signs otherwise, he's stuck with me. I couldn't imagine not having his droopy face poke me in the nose every morning.

He has taught me a lot about myself, and how to grow up. He's shown me what it's like to simultaneously want to strangle and hug another living being. He has gotten me through a really hard and unexpected time with actual puppy hugs. Cooper is my little Forest Gump, because he might not be the smartest man, but he sure as hell knows what love is.

Happy Gotcha Day, Bear. You are absolutely the best Christmas present I've ever gotten.

Loyalty

Loyalty is one of my top priorities in life. A lot of people don't get it, especially since I was probably horrible at being loyal in high school (and most likely a touch after) because I was a teenager with a serious case of teenager brain. But loyalty is everything. Without it, you're an island floating in the middle of the sea. And not some cute little island full of natives who live in beautiful harmony, but a no one can find you because you're a magical, disappearing, time-traveling "Lost" island in the middle of fucking nowhere. Nobody wants to be the "Lost" island. Nobody. Except maybe Ben.

While my concept of loyalty is most likely the same as the world's as a whole, my expectations of how others should show it is probably where any differences lie. Those expectations seem reasonable to me, but they often leave me disappointed. But hey, no one can know what I consider an unfathomable breach of loyalty if I don't first define what I expect. Let's fix that, shall we?

1. Have my back. You can still disagree with things I do and even tell me you think I'm wrong, but that doesn't mean you have to rescind your support. Be on my side, even when I'm not there to remind you to do so.

2. Stand up for me. If you love me, like me, or even just respect me, say "Yo bro, back off" if someone is being an ass or saying ass-y things about me.

3. Be honest. I'd rather be mad at you for five minutes every time you tell me the truth than shocked and mad at you forever because you couldn't speak some facts.

4. If we're dating, don't cheat on me. You can just break up with me first. It'll suck, but it'll suck a lot less.

5. If we're friends, don't try to bone the person I love, whether we're together or apart. There's a whole world of other people to date. You can even date anyone else I've ever dated. Just don't make moves on the one I actually give a shit about.

6. Be my dog. Applicable only to members of the canine persuasion.

I'm most likely forgetting a great portion of my Loyalty List. I'll probably still find myself saying "Man, loyalty these days!" to Cooper as we cuddle on the couch. But then I'll think "Oh yeah, it's right here in my arms............................ god dammit, Coop, FLEAS?!?!"

Word-A-Post Project

As I was driving down the road yesterday, I was thinking about how sometimes maybe it's hard to find satisfaction because we don't all define even the simplest words the same way. Success to me may mean something entirely different to you. If I don't meet your expectations and you don't meet mine, maybe it's just because we've all failed to communicate.

It's no one's fault really. I mean, when's the last time you even thought about what loyalty meant to you? Not what it means to Webster, Oxford, or your friends, but what it really means to you. We don't tell each other what we need from one another because we don't even know ourselves. And if we did, we could make it be known; by shouting it, by whispering it, by simply speaking it.

I've always had a pretty solid definition of my own interpretations of important terms inside my own head, but I think this is always what I meant by making the internal external. I never understood it until now, even though I put it on a list of my fears to overcome, at least not well enough. At least not how hard it must be to define these things and how it might be even harder to share them with our connections.

So every day until Christmas, I'm going to write about words and what they mean to me. Some of them are basic but huge concepts to humanity, while others may be menial terms triggered by a run-in at the grocery store or the coffee shop. Whatever the case may be, I couldn't be more excited (or scared) to bleed on the digital page, letting everyone know exactly what this or that means to me.

If you want to join me, tag your entries with "word-a-post!"

Notes to Myself II

Clarity can come at the weirdest of times. Like when you're chin deep in Trader Joe's mini-pizzas, feeding your dog the extra pepperonis, talking about how damn sad you are. Also while wearing a sleeveless Gumby and Pokey shirt. Anyway, said clarity:

1. Sometimes a great friend will read your bullshit blog entry before this and remind you to keep your chin up. It will be when you're grumpy and sad and lonely, and your pal will kind of tell you to man up because there ARE some friends who will always be there, and bad times won't change that.

2. Adult life decisions can actually be easy if you just listen to yourself instead of the mental noise the world pushes in. I'll update everyone on my career-related decision when I have more information to give!

3. 2012 has been really, incredibly hard on everyone. Can we just resolve to make 2013 easier for one another? THAT WOULD BE GREAT!

4. On that note, if you've had a hard time lately or at any time in 2012, I hope it gets better. I care. You matter. 2013 will be kind to you at least once. Once is all you need.

5. Anesthesia really takes its toll on your brain, including the part where you figure out anesthesia really takes a toll on your brain. I went out with my friends C & D the other night, the first time I'd seen them since my hospital stint. We were going over the details when I realized my inability to form words, coherent sentences, and apparently logical connections between things, was most likely due to being pumped full of serious sedatives a month ago. I knew my extreme, prolonged fatigue and my mood swings (sorry, everyone ever) had the ol' 'sthesia to blame, but only in that moment did I realize my recent more-than-usual idiocy had the drugs to blame, too.

6. Never underestimate the healing power of a shower, a good movie, and a warm holiday beverage.

7. Sometimes the universe will help you out when you desperately need it. Even though I want to cry all of the days after having to sell tickets to a Packers game at LAMBEAU, I also want to hug the hell out of whoever bought them and brought me back from the brink of personal bankruptcy.

8. And because sometimes you just need to be stupid and "Say Anything"-ish and courageous... All I've ever wanted was for you to be yourself because who you are is who I love, and I never, ever want that person to change. If I had enough poster board, this would be my "Love Actually" moment.

If Rick Grimes did it, so can I. NO SHAME IN MY GAME, BRO.

9. Being brave is terrifying, but fear is worse. I'm not a coward, but I can act like one. I can't tell you how much better I feel when I take a chance (see #8) instead of letting fear hold me back, because that chance almost always leads to something magical. Like cupcakes or you know, love.

10. Taylor Kitsch.

j WOWW

Sometimes luck finds me. Sometimes that luck is a crazy dangerous infection that only afflicts about 2-3 patients post-wisdom tooth extraction a year, landing me in the hospital for a week on IV antibiotics + another surgery. (MORE ANESTHESIA?! YAY!)

It is a tale I will one day tell with a lot of laughter, but since my face is still semi-swollen and there are many more antibiotics to take, I will just leave you with this video of my transformation into a Jersey Shore character.

You're welcome, America.

Well, Well, Well...

Make sure you're sitting down everyone. I know I've made a lot of promises regarding this issue, but I finally did it. I finally made an appointment for my wisdom tooth surgery. I sure am going to be one fun, giant ball of anxiety until the moment of sedation!

After a lot of nudging from both personal and professional sources, I finally called for a consultation. I woke up bright n' early this morning to head to the oral surgeon to see what he had to say.

I got there and was greeted by delightful staff and a very lovely, tech-savvy office. I watched Obama make some jokes on Leno while I filled out my patient information. A cute child tried to pet my leopard flats.

"This isn't so bad," I thought. "You have been building this up for no reason. It's not like you even hate the dentist. What if you get back there and he's like 'LOLZ, U DON'T NEED TO GET THESE TAKEN OUT!' What if he lets me stay conscious? I can do this! I can conquer the world!!"

My overly nice dental assistant got me comfy, despite the fact that my view was kind of disorienting. It's weird looking at your own mouth on the big-screen.

I told her it might be scary in there since my teeth have been bothering me off and on since January. She boosted my confidence by noting they see a lot of "meth mouth." Sorry for the addicts, but not so sorry for finding a dental assistant who scratched my huge "Breaking Bad" itch. Again, what had I been worried about? THINGS ARE GOING TO BE FINE, RIGHT?!

The surgeon walked in and was beyond pleasant. He looked professional yet friendly, certainly capable of ripping my teeth out of my face bones. He kind of poked around my mouth for 30 seconds and then used my mouth map to tell me what was up.

"See these teeth here, here, and here? They're all covered in bone. Oh, and behind this one? That's a cyst, and we're going to have to test that to make sure it's not something worse. Because of all this, you're going to have to be asleep via an IV drip."

I replied with some nervous laughs and let him know I'd done way too much research, so I knew that tumors could develop because of your wisdom teeth. EHEHEH, IT'S SO FUNNY, I'M DEALING WITH THIS SO WELL, DOC! Inside my head though, my optimism was crashing and burning as my cynicism screamed "DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU'D GET OFF THAT EASY?!"

I chatted with him about my overwhelming fear of anesthesia after he let me know there was no way around sedation. The assistant had taken my blood pressure and instantly commented about how low it was, so she was there to back me up. He assured me about as much as anyone could ever hope to, and mentioned that the medicine would even make my blood pressure rise. He also promised a 20-30 minute surgery. Come on, little body, we can hold out for that long, can't we? Pretty please?

So I discussed price (JESUS.) with the insurance coordinator and made my appointment for the earliest time slot available on Halloween. I figure the juju of my favorite holiday has got to count for something.

I spent the remainder of my day starting to make arrangements for next week and trying to convince my dad to film my post-op jokes in the recovery room. He's not really a huge fan of the idea.

I'll probably say my farewells to everyone, make a last will and testament video, and cry a lot about my ultimate demise, but when I wake up on the other side four teeth and a potential tumor less, I'll feel like a big ol' dummy. A BIG 'UN! Especially since it looks like Hurricane Sandy will kill all of us that week anyway.

But Really...

The other day, I left a comment on my friend Kacey's blog mentioning we should start our own online magazine in case our semi-dashed dreams of being writers start burning at our fingers too badly. I said it in passing, but it stuck with me for some reason. I guess you could say it got me thinking.

Why shouldn't we just go ahead and do that? Why wait for that finger burning? With the insane amount of free web space available and the AMAZING bloggers-turned-friends we have, why not? If we want to write, let's write. Maybe 10 people will read it, maybe 10,000 will. At the end of the day, our little online hub might be filled with just the right voices someone out there needs in a dark moment.

I have a few obvious people in mind for this project – you can find them in my More Words You'll Love section – but I want more of you to join us! If you're interested in really giving this the ol' college try, email me at imgonnadothatgirl@gmail.com.

There's room for everything: humor, videos, art, love and life columns, fashion, pop culture (LOTS OF POP CULTURE), photography, fiction, and everything in between. There are already voices from all over the country, spanning in age and experience, that have something to bring to the table for this project. If you have anything you think the world might want to see but have been holding close, now is the time to let it out into the universe.

The only thing that will need to be decided upon is a theme. There must be a universal something that ties us together as a publication, even if only the fact that we're all bloggers. Help a sista out if you've got great ideas.

No pressure, friends. We're going to do this for fun. We are going to write what we want to write when we want to write it, and you can still publish every word you write on your own blog. If our untitled project takes off, we'll take it from there, but my main goal is to get all of us writing in one place for an audience of other people just like us. They're there. We just have to help them find us.

Whata'ya say?