Recount

Midnight // NYE 2012/2013 // The Avett Brothers

Ah, it's that time of year again when all us bloggers recount whether or not we stuck to our guns and actually completed our resolutions. As you know, this is a blog about getting things done........ so here's hoping I haven't royally screwed up and completed, say, ZERO of my resolutions.

At the beginning of 2013, I resolved to do only slightly more than a handful of things. Here's the entry, but if you're not one to muck about in archives, here's a quick recap of the list:

1. Be a better adult.

2. Stay a better friend.

3. Have more patience and understanding.

4. Overcome MORE fears.

5. Be even more efficient.

6. Accomplish all my little goals in between without resolving to do them.

7. Just be.

Wow. Lofty goals, January 1st Rachel. Talk about setting high expectations for myself. Never one afraid to fail, I normally push further than I should. Let's see how I fared, shall we?

1. Be a better adult.

I am by no means a model adult. I may not even be a mediocre adult, but I have damn sure come a long way this year. I've learned so much about reliability, and even more, how to BE reliable. I've learned to keep running, even when I'm knee-deep in heavy Carolina clay, knowing I have to reach the other side. I've taken jobs I didn't want, left jobs I wanted to continue, and doubled-down on school and work, putting my social life lower on the list than in years past. While I've mentioned I'll always be a "family/friends first" kinda gal, I finally figured out how to maintain that moral of mine while accomplishing great things and being responsible. I even have some money! .......... for now.

2. Stay a better friend.

I am a yo-yo better friend. There are periods of time in which I have a LOT of free time to spare; others where I barely have enough time to eat and sleep, let alone make some phone calls. I could do a better job, but I think I haven't slipped TOO far back into yesteryear when I was always not such a great friend. Better to maintain than fall behind, even if I wish I could've hit this one out of the park. There's always next year when I get out of my Master's program!

3. Have more patience and understanding.

Oh, lord help all of you. Whereas I have gained so much of this in the career arena in my life, I admittedly have lost a lot of it in the personal domain. I'm sorry if I've been snippy or bitchy, perhaps spacey or annoyed, but I have poured all of my patience and understanding into over 100 kids. They need it most right now, and I am going to work very hard to squeeze some of that patience over to my loved ones in the coming year. Now that I know HOW to be patient, I have to learn how to BALANCE that patience. I have to understand others in the ways I always hope they understand me! But hey, I hope my students can at least attest to the fact that I almost never lose my temper. And when I do, they know weird things like town hall meetings will occur.

4. Overcome MORE fears.

Thanks to my newest project, 26 Gonnas for 26, I have definitely been visiting this resolution time and time again in 2013. I've sung publicly at karaoke bars; I've gotten back into modeling and ENJOYED IT; I've publicly and privately let go of toxic relationships. There have been a lot of fears I've conquered that aren't even on the 26 for 26, which brings me to...

6. Accomplish all my little goals in between without resolving to do them.

Yeah, I know. I skipped 5, but we'll get to that'n. Six and four pair well together like a good cheese and a fine wine, ya heard? There were so many moments this year that I found left me feeling so bold, so brave, and so utterly proud of myself. Overcoming fears, some of which I didn't even know I had, was a lot easier in 2013 than in the past. Maybe it's because I was so successful at resolution number one, but pushing forward into the unknown was just not as horrifying in '13. I'm not saying it wasn't sweat inducing to call my favorite co-workers ever to tell them I was offered a new job, and I'm not saying it wasn't horrifying to meet, learn, and teach over 100 strangers in the middle of the school year... but I am saying that it was exponentially less disastrous than it would have been a year ago. And you know what? I found out I'm a lot BETTER at most of the things I'm scared of than some of the things I feel "safe" doing. What's more is I didn't feel the urge to tell anyone about these things (well, until now). I didn't feel like I had to make a list, at least not publicly. I didn't feel like I needed to have support to overcome my fear, something that is altogether new for me. While there are still some giant hurdles like flying and singing in public without a cheesy backup machine that WILL require a little hand-holding, learning to go solo into fear this year is what got me over the need to publicly resolve to accomplish every tiny morsel my brain cooked up.

5. Be even more efficient.

Welcome back, five! You tie into resolution one pretty well, sir. While I believe there's always room for improvement when talking efficiency, I truly figured out and utilized it this year. If you remember, I started to see some vague progress in this field when I resolved to be efficient in 2012. This year, though, I really FOUND efficiency like it was the god damn Lost island I'd been screaming about returning to. (Lost reference anyone? Anyone?) I am much more organized than I was a year ago. I even have plans for further organization, some I utilized earlier this very week. I used to shy away from changing my methods for better ones for fear they'd be worse; now I trust my instinct and know the HUGE list I have for improvements will all work out, and they will all be better, 100 fold.

7. Just be.
Herein lies the crux: how can I just be if I always see so many things I must resolve to make better? Is it possible? Or must the two forever be at odds? I like to think I've just been a little more than I was in 2012. That's not to say it has been a meditative, peaceful-as-fuck kind of year. Actually, it was pretty hectic... but there are some things this year I have let go of that I wouldn't have DREAMED of getting past 365 days ago. It's hard, being forever anxious (medically), finding out how to just be. And even though I didn't complete this goal, I'm happy to say that over the past three weeks, things have been falling out of the sky and into my lap in regards to what I need to finally, truly just be. I've been finding answers to questions I've had for a long time, and I've been finding inspiration, reinforcement, and even new standards for myself I will not budge on... ever. And that, ladies and gents, is what I believe the first step to just being is: being yourself.

I'll be back after the first of the year, hopefully with amazing tales of New Year's festivities, a list of resolutions, and... drumroll... big news about the blog and its future.

Have a magical transition from 2013 to 2014! I'll see you on the other side ;)

Number 21

Open Letter to the Toxic Ones

Dear You,

I don't know how to begin this. By writing instead of telling, am I engaging in the coldness of passive-aggressiveness I hate so much? Perhaps. I really just can't contain what's been on my mind so much over the last 2... 3.... er, 5?... wait, maybe longer........... years.

This has been a long time coming. Maybe I'm too sensitive for my own good, but after a long, somewhat-objective look at the state of things, I think I might be a little justified and that's enough; I don't need the totality of 100 percentness.

I am a giver. I always have been. Of course I take, but I really do find a joy in giving. I have told many of you over the years I wish I'd fall into a lot of money somehow so I could spoil you rotten. I have given even when my body has fought me. I have given when you have betrayed me. I have given when you have given nothing back. And until now, that's all been mostly okay because we were young. But here we are, on the door of adulthood, and the scale of give and take is still uneven. I'm still drowning in a sea of sadness, created with the waters of unfulfillment.

I thought time would solve things. I thought I would never have to point out the lacking pieces of our relationships because surely, with just enough time, wisdom, and experience, things would even out. I would feel less and less like my soul was being sucked from me, and start to feel like pieces of it were starting to be poured back in, even if it were as slow as molasses. But time didn't do the job I thought it would, so now I'm faced with doing it myself. I should have dealt with the task from the start, and now that I have to, I'm not sure how to do it at all.

It's not everyone. It's not all the time. Even those of you who are guilty don't do it on schedule... but it does happen. (Hell, I've written about it before. More than once.) It's not a delusion, as much as I wish it were every day. This has happened as long as I can remember, and it continues to happen, despite my internal wish for things to change. But I guess you can't bring forth change without saying or doing something, so this is some kind of bumbling, probably awful start.

I know I'm not perfect. I've done things wrong, I've shut people out, and I've been inconsistent with contact. And while I take personal responsibility for my faults and my own selfishness, a lot of my behavior over the years has been a reaction to yours. That doesn't mean I don't need to work on things, but I would love it more than life if you worked on your things, too.

First things first: I confess my sins.

1. I have made grave mistakes in friendships over the years. Most of them I made when I was younger, but I made a handful of horrid ones in my older life, too. However, the mistakes I've made have made me the grown-up I am today, trying my damnedest never to do them again and wishing, wishing, wishing you all would stop making them as well.

2. I DO shut people out, namely you, because when I consistently have expectations shattered or unreciprocated, it's easier just to bow out and guard my heart. I sit back and find people that do seem to want to give as much as me, who want to meet those expectations, and wait for the rest of the group to catch up. The only problem is, these people never do. And every time I give them a chance, give them the opportunity to live up to my expectations, they break my heart all over again. It's too much to cry every night about another forgotten call or text, another birthday missed. It's for my sanity that I pull away long enough to regroup and heal.

3. Mostly my inconsistent contact has to do with outside factors. I move a lot; I work very hard during the school year; I have graduate school to finish; I have to save my money. But you all also need to remember something I have ne'er argued and always confessed: I hate the phone. It brings me some anxiety, and it's just an annoying form of contact. But there is a small part of me that thinks some of that anxiety, which didn't begin until later in my life, comes from the inconsistency I've learned to expect in return.

Second things second: I explain.

1. You are not reliable. I know that sounds awful, and I'm truly sorry, but you aren't. You can be good people. You have been there in bad times and good, but not really on a constant basis. If we make plans, you often are late or cancel last minute. It would be okay if it were for something important or understandable, but when you just decide to bow out because you've found something more fun or are just too lazy, that's rude and insulting.

2. You don't care. I say that in the most general sense. You don't care about my life if it doesn't involve petty, pretty, easy things, but more bothersome is that you don't care about your own life. You don't care if you succeed, if you will have enough money for bills, if you find a job you love, if you find your own happiness, if you won't be too hungover to make the appointment we set a week ago. You don't care about finding yourself or finding the whole version of that self. You don't care about anything except initial satisfaction, often found in booze, drugs, gossip, or shallow bullshit. But I care. I care about everything, and I need my friends to care, too.

3. You turn it around on me. On the occasions I HAVE said something, my past has been thrown in my face. That's to be expected, I suppose, but those who have known me long enough can see the evolution I have made. And you know what? It's old. It's not effective. I know where I am well enough that the argument is invalid. We're talking about the people we are now, and the better people we should become. We're not talking about some dumb ass girl from two or ten years ago.

4. You don't understand. You don't understand the time constraints and responsibilities of adulthood, let alone the effect the intricacies of an individual has on both of them. For example, I have a problem with the fact you call bullshit on my health when I have cried and tried and worked and fallen and gotten back up about it over so many years. You haven't sat with me during a tachycardia attack, walked in on me crying on my floor in visceral pain, listened to me on the phone as I breathe for dear life, or felt the heavy weight of the fatigue I carry every day, yet still push through. I also have a problem with the fact that you don't respect my calendar, as if I'm an asshole for wanting to and making plans well, well in advance. If you make plans for something a week in advance, even then may be too late. I hate I can't be there for you, but if something is important enough that you would like me to be there, make sure you send me a reminder as soon as you think of it. You need to understand my health. You need to understand my calendar. You need to understand everything, and how everything changes when we're adults. With that understanding will come a respect that just isn't there with us right now. What the hell is friendship without respect?

Third things third: I'm sure I have done every single one of these things to you in my past, and for that, I am truly sorry. But I have been on a journey to wholeness for a very long time, and I cannot be whole by perpetuating this bad behavior myself. It has mostly ended for me, but I will say right now: it ends for me all the way today. However, that also means I can't surround myself with people who will not end the cycle themselves. I need to feel whole instead of drained, happy instead of constantly heartbroken. I need to be able to be the full me, and I can't do that unless you do the same.

As I mentioned when I wrote about this before, I've been mourning over this whole change for a really long time. Now I see the only way I can truly move on from my grief, and hopefully see a few of you there on the other side, is to set the truth free. I still love you, Toxic Ones.

Hoping you'll join me for the ride,

(it's gonna be a real honest, but fulfilling one),

Rachel

2012 Resolutions: A Recap

On the morning of New Years Day, J and I sat down and made some resolutions. I'm a person who forgets absolutely everything if I don't have it written down, so a list was a natural step in the process. As I'd never really seriously given weight to making resolutions until 2012, I thought it'd be a fun (and scary) project to see if I actually stuck to them. Here goes nothin'...

2012 Resolutions

1. Healthy lifestyle

While my healthier eating habits have slacked of late because of too little money in my bank account, I can proudly say that for the most part of 2012, I lived a healthier lifestyle than I have in years. I have worked out more consistently, been more aware of my diet, taken vitamins regularly, and lost 20 pounds. I gained back the extra five lost after my stint in the hospital by choice, and I finally have a grasp on what is important to me, body, mind, and health-wise.

Resolution status: complete.

2. Be more efficient

Efficiency and I will be at odds for many years to come, but I made great strides this year – thanks in part to my resolution partner, and then of my own volition after enough schooling. I have a long way to go, but my belongings have been cut in half, those still around are more organized, and I finally see shortcuts for making life easier that I wouldn't have prior to making this resolution. (It helps when you have someone willing to call you on your inefficiency as well! Ha.)

Resolution status: complete, but will make another appearance on the list this year.

3. Stop procrastinating

This is another one of those things I consistently battle with. While I've made improvements with the help of lists, friends, and even an occasional moment of self-motivation, I still have days upon days of utter procrastination.

Resolution status: touched upon, but will make another appearance on the list this year.

4. Overcome fears

YEP. Yup. Yes. Uh-huh. I found it in me to buck up to anesthesia twice, and though the prospect of being put under still doesn't sit well with me, it no longer looms over me with a gloomy weight. I've started singing in front of a small group of people again. I've exercised through scary moments due to my heart issues, knowing it would make it better in the end. I've taken up caffeine again in small amounts for the same reason. There are more fears to overcome, but I can feel my confidence in defeating them growing inside me everyday.

Resolution status: complete, but I will overcome more in 2013.

5. Accomplish a big goal

I had to think about this for a while because I really didn't feel like I'd accomplished something grand this year. Everything got increasingly hard as the year went on and tragedy and heartbreak hit both close and far from home. I felt bogged down by the weight of the bad things, only to finally be saved by remembering the good. Remembering that I'd done something daring and big and maybe a bit crazy...

This year, I let go of a job that made me feel mentally battered in every possible way to focus on myself and what I really wanted. And guess what? It worked. I truly know what I want from life and how to get there. The not knowing had spilled over into all the other parts of my life, the more important parts. Now that I have direction, drive, and excitement, I feel like I can truly give myself to those other fantastic parts of life all the way. Now the only problem is waiting for life to catch up.

Resolution status: complete. Here I come, Masters degree!

This is my last post of 2012. I'm wishing everyone a happy 2013, and I hope y'all have great NYE fun! Most of all, I hope you have the faith I do that we can all make this next year better for ourselves and each other.

I'm hopeful for the happy ending. I'm crossing my fingers, universe. Are you listening?

Well, Well, Well...

Make sure you're sitting down everyone. I know I've made a lot of promises regarding this issue, but I finally did it. I finally made an appointment for my wisdom tooth surgery. I sure am going to be one fun, giant ball of anxiety until the moment of sedation!

After a lot of nudging from both personal and professional sources, I finally called for a consultation. I woke up bright n' early this morning to head to the oral surgeon to see what he had to say.

I got there and was greeted by delightful staff and a very lovely, tech-savvy office. I watched Obama make some jokes on Leno while I filled out my patient information. A cute child tried to pet my leopard flats.

"This isn't so bad," I thought. "You have been building this up for no reason. It's not like you even hate the dentist. What if you get back there and he's like 'LOLZ, U DON'T NEED TO GET THESE TAKEN OUT!' What if he lets me stay conscious? I can do this! I can conquer the world!!"

My overly nice dental assistant got me comfy, despite the fact that my view was kind of disorienting. It's weird looking at your own mouth on the big-screen.

I told her it might be scary in there since my teeth have been bothering me off and on since January. She boosted my confidence by noting they see a lot of "meth mouth." Sorry for the addicts, but not so sorry for finding a dental assistant who scratched my huge "Breaking Bad" itch. Again, what had I been worried about? THINGS ARE GOING TO BE FINE, RIGHT?!

The surgeon walked in and was beyond pleasant. He looked professional yet friendly, certainly capable of ripping my teeth out of my face bones. He kind of poked around my mouth for 30 seconds and then used my mouth map to tell me what was up.

"See these teeth here, here, and here? They're all covered in bone. Oh, and behind this one? That's a cyst, and we're going to have to test that to make sure it's not something worse. Because of all this, you're going to have to be asleep via an IV drip."

I replied with some nervous laughs and let him know I'd done way too much research, so I knew that tumors could develop because of your wisdom teeth. EHEHEH, IT'S SO FUNNY, I'M DEALING WITH THIS SO WELL, DOC! Inside my head though, my optimism was crashing and burning as my cynicism screamed "DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU'D GET OFF THAT EASY?!"

I chatted with him about my overwhelming fear of anesthesia after he let me know there was no way around sedation. The assistant had taken my blood pressure and instantly commented about how low it was, so she was there to back me up. He assured me about as much as anyone could ever hope to, and mentioned that the medicine would even make my blood pressure rise. He also promised a 20-30 minute surgery. Come on, little body, we can hold out for that long, can't we? Pretty please?

So I discussed price (JESUS.) with the insurance coordinator and made my appointment for the earliest time slot available on Halloween. I figure the juju of my favorite holiday has got to count for something.

I spent the remainder of my day starting to make arrangements for next week and trying to convince my dad to film my post-op jokes in the recovery room. He's not really a huge fan of the idea.

I'll probably say my farewells to everyone, make a last will and testament video, and cry a lot about my ultimate demise, but when I wake up on the other side four teeth and a potential tumor less, I'll feel like a big ol' dummy. A BIG 'UN! Especially since it looks like Hurricane Sandy will kill all of us that week anyway.

Gonna What?

While waiting patiently for some dentistry coverage war to fizzle out, I haven't really known which of my harder hitting gonnas to work on. Sadly, I haven't the money for most of them. Others of them need tons of preparation, both mentally and physically. I pondered over my little list, which hasn't grown at all – oops? – and realized I've already done one of them.

I know, what? Like why haven't I been toasting champagne to myself in celebration?! Why am I not lying on a chaise lounge, being fed grapes by lots of admirers from the far ends of the earth? Because I didn't even realize this gonna was on my list. My bad.

See, I'd kind of slipped it in there in this extremely vague fashion. The bullet "Bad health" with some indecipherable-to-everyone-but-me notes parenthesized beside it could mean a million things. Do I want bad health? Is it the name of a shitty little rock band I love?

Though I'm sure you've picked up on my myriad of health issues, and the anxiety it's caused me, and the hatred for most doctors I now have, and my inability to do anything I want, AND... anyway, I digress. The point is, I made it a gonna goal to FIX what I deemed as my "bad health." While I have miles to go since I was so deep inside the pit that is rock bottom, I'm happy to say I'm now bivvying on the mid-side of that pit. Inadvertently, of course.

It all started after a holiday season of overindulgence. J and I were tired of looking at our newly transformed bodies, despite the fact my mouth still watered thinking about all of the awesome food we'd ingested over the months prior. We decided to do something about it, and it didn't take us too long to arrive at the inevitable conclusion of gym membership.

We signed up in February, and though we've had our fair share of obstacles here and there, we've done pretty well keeping up. We aren't there everyday (yet), but I can see the changes, and oh man, can I feel 'em.

The fact I have to pace myself due to my ever-sensitive heart gets me weird, judgy looks from gym snobs, but I don't really care because I'm feeling so much better. I've found what works for me and will continue to work at it 'til I find the optimal regimen. Oh, and just because I pace myself, Tapout Frat-King, doesn't mean I haven't lost almost 20 pounds, toned my muscles, increased my strength, and decreased my heart issue flare-ups. Suck on that, penis breath.

In addition to working on strengthening my body inside and out, I've been trying really, really hard to kick my sugar addiction. The one food I crave all day long is ice cream, and I could literally eat an entire quart without feeling regret or nausea. Not only did I want to move off of my toning plateau, I wanted to stop waking up with the shakes for birthday cake every morning. I still nab some sugar on special occasions, but otherwise, I keep Stevia in my cupboard and only take shots of juice instead of my favored Big Gulp serving.

So with the help of some lean protein, a pretty nifty little gym, a distinct lack of sweets, and cutting out all of that gross-but-I-love-it food I randomly crave, my once fragile little body is actually kind of normal again. I can run sometimes! I can help my boyfriend lift huge boxes without straining! I could challenge Michelle Obama to an arm off! (She would win, but I'm almost there, thanks to her inspiration.) Rawr.

Ladies and gents, another gonna off the list. However, this is one I'll always be working on, and I'm starting to love doing just that.

Health, love, and happiness... or some shit like that.

Letting Go of the Fear

I was driving with the windows down yesterday, enjoying the 70 degree weather and 90s Pop Pandora station streaming through my speakers. I was singing along, finally feeling rested if not still fatigued with a sickness that is taking its sweet time leaving my system. I thought about how great it was just to be able to see a beautiful day like that. It reminded me that I should remember to be really thankful because the universe is mysterious and infinite and it doesn't owe any of us jackshit.

I remember my dad telling me it was a miracle I was even alive. Not because I had a tumultuous entrance into this world, but because of all the places in all the universe, my molecules were in this place in this time, beside him as his daughter. I always think about that, but never long or often enough.

It entered back into my consciousness as I was smiling on the drive home yesterday. I thought "Wow, really, how lucky am I?" Not in that humble brag, not really thankful but pretending to be so I can still gloat without guilt kinda way. In the way that reminded me that even if I give thanks every day (not to anyone in particular - the universe itself most likely), I need to be thankful in a way that is equivalent to what I have. And what I have is endless. Therefore, I have to be endlessly thankful. The only way to do that is let go of all the fear.

Sure, I will always be the worrier. I will always be the girlfriend calling to make sure her boyfriend is not in a fiery wreck in a ditch somewhere. I am the daughter who will always call to make sure her parents are safe from the storm coming their way. I am the sister who will send links to my sibling to make sure she knows what's going on in her community. I am the person who knows real fear of death, who is afraid of every ache and pain, and who shakes a little in her boots when it comes to a handful of my own hangups.

But I have never been afraid of change and I have never been afraid of going the road alone. I have dined alone, learned alone, coped alone, traveled alone, and found my true self alone. I have no qualms letting go of the fear alone, though I know I am so lucky to be the opposite of that.

See, letting go of these fears is the only true way to be fully thankful of what I have. I can't fully enjoy my blessings if I'm always scared to lose them. I can't wholly appreciate them if I am caught up in worrying if what I have will always be here. Really, that's where all of my fear, all of OUR fears, come from in one way or another: losing what we have.

While I am thankful for my life, constantly fearing it will end is not a way to be grateful. To be grateful, all I have to do is wake up, thank the universe for cosmically coming together to form my atoms, and live the gift to its fullest.

This realization happened in the small space of my Cougar in a matter of seconds, but those seconds were enough to make an impression. I will grapple with fear for the rest of my life - hell, I haven't even crossed off more than one item on my gonna list of frights - but I will also be eternally grateful for the fact that I have things to be frightened about losing.

From now on, whenever I'm feeling the rush of dread edge closer to me, I will remind myself of all of the things I can't believe have been somehow placed in this universe so close to me:

My family, who for all their imperfections, becomes more perfect every year. // My friends, most of whom I've somehow kept my entire life. // My love, who is literally the best person on this planet for me and in some miracle, ended up only counties away. // My pets, who are the cutest bundles of insanity I've ever met. // My health, no matter its ebb and flow. I can workout, I can lose weight, I don't have to starve myself. // My brain, which has a capacity I still don't know the ends of. // My job, which actually gives me a chance to make a difference in hundreds of other peoples lives. // The fact that I know what really matters IS making a difference in other peoples lives. // All the art, food, film, music, people, events, politics, discoveries, and adventures I get to bare witness to. // My home, my senses, my laugh...

...all of it deserves so much more thanks than I will ever be able to give it, but I can start by being gracious enough to enjoy them every day of my life.

"Thank you, more please!"

And a laugh for the road...

Halfway There

I already regret choosing titling this piece with "Living on a Prayer" in mind. Now I have to listen to Bon Jovi at 9:30 a.m. What am I doing with my life?

Last week, I was powering through a hefty workload at the office, dealing with the typical jaw pain that comes in and out of my life as it pleases. I figured it would be another case of "Gotchu, sucka, see ya lataaaa!" pain, but it increased ever so sharply to full-on nausea inducing aching. As a person who never has headaches felt one coming on, I knew I was in for a world of pain. My wisdom teeth opened up a can of whoop ass on me.

I had been playing a game of phone tag with my newly chosen dentist due to my work schedule and theirs, but I took a moment out of my day to shut the door and make the call back. I'd had it with the pain and I was almost there. A nice woman helped me make an appointment first thing the next day, and my wonderful boss forced me to go home and rest. I felt awful for many more hours, but was more comfortable being on my couch and knowing in only hours that I would finally be boarding a train to Healthy Town.

I woke up way too early the next morning and still managed to be late driving to the edge of town to find my new mouth doctor. I was so happy to find it both calming and fancy. I dig fancy.

My hygienist brought me back immediately to take many an x-ray. I finally saw the devious little fuckers who have been torturing me for months, and I was surprised to see that they didn't look all that abnormal. In fact, they looked kind of non-threatening. I'd maybe even say cute, but they're fucking teeth.

I got a hardcore cleaning and consulted with the bigwig dentist for which the firm is named. She gave me some important advice about my genetically soft teefies and said they'd have to seal the shit out of them basically. I have no qualms with that. These supple babies have been causing me trouble my whole life. It's about time someone stepped up to the plate and said "Hey, you've got a nice smile, but your teeth are like sponges. Let's counteract that, shall we?"

Other than that, I came away with a super polished grill and a new love for flossing. (I'm obsessed.) I have to most likely get these wise molars removed, for which I have to be referred. They let me choose my referral myself, which is a bamf move if I do say so myself, and I don't say bamf because it's stupid.

Today I have to do some research on referral forms and then I'll be calling my self-selected oral surgeon. I'm still not groovy with the idea of being knocked out, but with many parental pep talks, advice from my sister, encouragement from my man, and a super stellar new dentist, I think it just might be alright.

I'm gonna do this.