My Mom v. Diane Keaton

Well, I had drafted parts of this before Mother's Day with every intention of doing a cutesy, yet somewhat humorous, shoutout to my Moms. But then finals week slammed me, and my alma mater aka my sister's undergrad school decided to hold her graduation ceremony ON MOTHER'S DAY...... rude. RUDE!

But this comparison is one well known among our family and friends, one that my sister and I make as often as possible, especially when we find some new and hilarious way in which my mother and Diane Keaton are alike. (Wait, did I say alike? 'Cause I'm pretty sure they are one.) So even though Mother's Day has come and gone, this oldie but goldie comparison model is one that is here to stay.

1. They both get hilarious after a glass of wine.

2. They both dressed like this in the 70s. (Mom would want me to note that she dressed this way before "Annie Hall" was even a glimmer in Woody Allen's eye.)

My sister can look like young Woody sometimes, but that's another entry...

3. They both look like this now.

4. They are both neurotic, but in that adorable Diane-Keaton-as-an-overprotective-frazzled-mom-in-a-movie way.

5. Did I mention they look alike?

6. Goofs (by themselves, or as pictured, with their pals).

7. No, but I mean like, seriously, they're both from Planet Babe.

8. They are both strong, smart, creative women who note the importance of skincare, education, women's (and others') rights, cute fashion, and how dumb men can be.

LUV U LADIES!

SPOILER ALERT!

Daenerys Targaryen is a Bad. Ass. Bitch.

1. Just look at her. Look at her. LOOK AT HER!

2. After her psychotic, idiotic brother sold her into marriage, she decided to become a true member of the people to which she was now queen Khaleesi.

3. SHE DECIDED TO FALL IN LOVE WITH THIS SEXY ASSHOLE.

4. She ate the heart of a god damn horse.

5. She is a firm, but gentle leader. Like, she'll save your life from rapists, but if you use black magic to kill her husband, she'll like... burn you alive.

6. She WALKED INTO A FIRE AND DIDN'T DIE OR EVEN GET BURNED. Oh, and she emerged with a few DRAGONS.

7. She led the people she inherited from her husband through desolate wasteland instead of abandoning them for her own sake.

8. She took on a bunch of really weird, obviously wine-addicted warlocks to save her dragons children.

9. She locked a bunch of traitorous assholes inside an empty vault to die, then stole all their money because they sucked.

10. SHE JUST BOUGHT A CITY'S ARMY, TURNED THEM AGAINST THE CITY, BURNED THEIR LEADER ALIVE WITH A DRAGON, THEN FREED ALL THE MEMBERS OF THE ARMY...... AND THEY DECIDED TO FIGHT FOR HER ANYWAY.

Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, you are my hero now and forever. No one will institutionalize me if I start acting with even half this badassery and power, will they? Alright, good. Now that that's settled, I'm off to take back the Iron Throne...

Or go to sleep. Same thing, right?

An Open Letter to J.J. Abrams

J.J.,

Dude. Dude. Seriously, dude. DUDE! You're directing the next movie in the Star Wars saga!!!! YOU, one of about only three auteurs I can imagine doing justice to this saga, are the chosen one. You will bring balance to the film force.... or something equally punny like that.

I'm gonna be honest: The (rather large) section of my brain dedicated to this epic story has been all kinds of imbalanced since the most shocking transfer of hands occurred. But when I heard word that the directing baton had been passed to you, I finally stopped holding my breath and even did a little bit of a leap-scream kind of thing.

circa 2010, bangs no longer included

See, not only do I love you thanks to an endless list of things, including but not limited to Lost and your most epic revival of Star Trek, but I adore the O.G. Star Wars trilogy. This marriage is a perfect one, at least for this J.J./SW fangirl.

That being said, hear me out: hire me. I mean, really... hire the shit out of me. I've been trying to write you this ridiculous open letter for almost two weeks, scrambling to come up with the most dazzling of traits I behold, but I am too flustered to even begin to illustrate my encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture or my penchant for hamming it up.

Look, bro. You seem like a man who can take a lady at her word. In the essence of saving us time, and sparing you having to listen to some cookie-cutter song and dance about my "acting experience" and my "writing abilities," let's just work on making Episode VII the masterpiece we both know it can be. I'm contract ready.

Don't worry about having something for me to do. I'm up for whatever task, even flying the (hopefully not defunct at this point in the storyline) Millenium Falcon for twelve parsecs. I'm also willing to take a google or a gaggle of acting classes, whichever you deem most suitable for me. I'll hold a boom or 50. Hell, I'll even bring every last cast and crew member coffee or blue milk. JUST DON'T LEAVE A JEDI KNIGHT BEHIND, BROTHER! Together, we can bring balance to the force.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll let you take a little peek at my Star Wars themed screenplay in process. But hey, we'll get to that.

With all my love and Jedi mind tricks,

Rachel "This IS the droid you're looking for" Noel

Signs of the Apocalypse

1. Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are splitting. Aphrodite, how can you be so cruel? 

2. Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger plan to wed.

These two will most likely procreate the Antichrist we've all been warned about.

3. Ryan Lochte and Tyra were in one room at the same time. Their combined egos did not destroy each other; in fact, they melded together to create one giant, duckfaced superego.

4. People are taking the GOP seriously.

5. This fall marks the beginning of the last seasons of 30 Rock, The Office, and Gossip Girl.

Busy Bee-otch

I've been non-stop lately. Even when I'm "relaxing on the couch watching a movie," I'm still constantly connected to the technology required to keep my projects going. That or loading the dishwasher for the 90th time.

I'll be back soon with a gonna-related post, but until then, here is an assortment of things that I've been doing, reading, laughing about, or making me say "WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

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Terror-ridden watching and shake-crying my way through J's wisdom teeth extraction/post-surgery recovery. Good luck ever getting these painful, probably infected assholes out of my head, dentists everywhere.
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Missing a distinct lack of work the beach.

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Writing feminist rants on my Tumblr.

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Mitt Romney's terrible PR team. "Ol' Barry's rallyin' them YOUNG VOTERS AT THEM THERE COLLEGES!!!! POTUS SUX!!!!!"

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Oh, you know... Southern Sheek. It's even got its own domain now... THEY GROW UP SO FAST!

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Speaking of Romneysaurus, Ann, what are you wearing? Look at your life, look at your choices.

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Trying to get special dog to stop attempting to hump helper dog long enough for me to crack into "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo."

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WHAT?!?!?!?!

Now I'm going to go snuggle up to ol' Wisdom Teefless and get some shut-eye, but I'll be back with a legit entry soon, loves!

Unapologetic Fangirl

“I don’t believe in guilty pleasures, I believe you should be able to like what you like. If you a like a fucking Ke$ha song, listen to fucking Ke$ha.” -- Dave Grohl

As I grow older, I find it harder to hide the things I love. I also find it harder to justify those things to other people. Yes, I like to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians when no one's around. Why, of course I read Tori Spelling's books and weep over them. Yeah, I probably do have an unhealthy obsession and identification with Girls. WHAT'S IT TO YOU, WHOREBISCUIT?

Yesterday I probably would have said, "Well, it's really just a guilty pleasure and I know it's bad and blah, blah, fucking BLAH." Today I say, to hell with that. I am who I am, and that's a fangirl who fangirls about a lot of shit. Like shit that doesn't even make sense for one entity to be equally obsessive over.

This brings on this whole other level of justification. "I mean yeah, I do love Star Wars, but I also really love crafting, and I mean I totally enjoy fashion, but I am like crazy in lust with outdoor adventuring!!!!~*"

I'm throwing that bi-polar rationalization out the window, too. I don't have to explain why I like what I like, and I certainly don't have to explain the complexities of the human mind, and maybe, JUST MAYBE, that's why I like things that are on completely different ends of the Kinsey scale of fandom. I'm just tired of that judgmental, bulgy side-eye thing. Don't judge me for what I like, bro, at least not enough to make you a dick. Be polite judge-y Southern about it.

You don't have to love what I love. God knows I don't love everything in your trunk o' stuff n' things. Let me listen to my Carly Rae Jepsen in peace while I drink warm tea out of my Simon Pegg mug.

Fandom collage anyone? No? Too late...

I'm just a Simon Pegg lovin', Angie worshipping, comedy slave who loves fashion, the South, Star Wars, New York City, decorating, crafting, a little reality TV, and drinking my mimosas heavy on the champagne side.

It's okay that I am a clusterfuck of different compulsions... you are too.

What are your biggest fandoms? I haven't even scratched the surface of mine!

P.S. My fonts are really awesome now. If you're getting a weird combo like Curlz and Times New Roman, I haven't lost my mind. Your browser just needs a life upgrade.

You Know That Song?

It starts reluctantly in the back of your head. You fight it for a long time, maybe a reallllly long time until you have to admit to yourself what you've pretty much known all along:

That stupid, fucking cookie cutter pop song you have been talking mad shit about is so amazing it's like Angelina Jolie and God had a baby and put it inside your ears.

Sometimes you hear it on the radio a few too many times and look down one day to find yourself tapping your foot to the beat. Other times you look up the YouTube video to make fun of it and find an amazing video like this to end all things ever. Oh, and get you hooked on the song along the way:

I have hated this song since I previewed it on iTunes in a total music snob move. "I'M GONNA MAKE FUN OF ALL THESE ASSHOLES THAT MADE THIS SONG NUMBER TWO!!!! HAHAHAHA, THEY'RE SO FUNNY, THOSE SHEEP!!!!!"

Yeah, well, now I have to crawl back inside my shame cave, 'cause I just dropped a dollar ninety-nine on that same song. I'll be back out when I've listened to "Call Me Maybe" approximately 87 times and learned enough of the lyrics to mumble along the next time some drunk sorostitute plays it at the bar.

I used to be able to resist the call of tweeny ladies and gents and their moronic songs, but as I get older, I find it harder to put up a fight.

"Yoü and I?" Fuck it, I guess I'll rescind my statement that all of Lady Gaga's sophomore album was a pile of steaming garbage and rock out inside my car. "We Found Love?" That's fine, I'll listen to it every day even though I really honestly DON'T like Rihanna's voice and that bitch gets on my nerves, but oh SHIT, I guess I like that "S&M" song, too, what is wrong with me?!?!

I shall retire my last semblance of music pretention and donate it to someone who deserves it. This gal is a shameless mainstream sheep. At least I'll be cozy (and look fabulous) in my wool.

What are your guilty pleasure tunes?

The Boy Who Lived

I wrote a book column when I worked for The Appalachian a few years ago. My first entry, fittingly, was about Harry Potter. Though I have long been done with and re-read the last of the books, the final movie installment seems to really seal the deal for the end of the HP era. Yes, like other epic series it will live on, but we are the HP generation. We are the kids who grew up with Harry, Ron, and Hermione, not just the ones who will read about them doing so.

I have some qualms with the last movie, but I'm not even going to list them because I still got to see some of my favorite moments of the series finally come to life on a huge screen. I would fangirl the shit out of them here, but I think spoilers are just pretty damn rude. After all, the point here really is that it's all finally over and that's a bittersweet feeling.

I will miss the excitement I felt waiting in line for the newest book as much as I will miss waiting impatiently through previews in an extremely uncomfortable and dirty chair for the latest film to start. I will miss being with the trio (and their equally lovable supportive cast) as they experience new adventures. I will miss seeing their friendship grow into something that makes me weep because it is so pure, strong, and enviable.

A part of me always wanted to be each one of them while simultaneously being loved by each one of them. They may not be real to you or the rest of the world, but they're as real to me as any of my best friends. They always will be.

Harry, I was with you 'til the end and I'm always gonna be.

(There are thousands of jokes I'm dying to make about this last film, but as a courtesy to those who haven't seen it yet, I'll wait at least a month. You've been warned. You have four weeks to see it before I conjure up another Potter entry.)

You know the deal: I'll be working on my gonnas the rest of this week (and maybe try to stop talking about HP so the bf doesn't shoot me execution style).

The Next Step

Thanks for all the love and support, everyone! The CT scan results came back fine. I didn't dance around right away because I was half asleep, but I did a little jig in my kitchen while I was making food. It was very Elaine Benes.

My friend Christy & I came back to Boone and hung out with some friends before I finally made it back to my apartment for the first time in over a week. I had some quality time with the roomie that involved lots of philosophical questions, like "Why is the new Katy Perry video so idiotically boring?" You know, the foundation of our lives and shit like that.

Meanwhile, I have to keep the promise I made to myself and to you guys. I said I would dedicate myself to accomplishing my gonnas if I were healthy, and I'm not one to break my word or give up on my dreams. Looks like I'm gonna have to run around with some motivational anthem like "Eye of the Tiger" on repeat until I get everything done.

Today I'm gonna: run a million errands and clean the apartment like I've never cleaned it before in two weeks.